Flops & Westrin's Old Collab

Draft is the entire sandbox, so please be wary!

hiya, scipper! IRID.aic initialized.
would you like me to access the site-82 intranet systems?

site-82 intranet systems accessed.
new file revision detected!
retrieving file SCP-3488-Ω. decrypting…


Bogeyman's back, Imogen. Contact me as soon as you see this.
- O5-6

The following document contains an activated Class V cognitohazard. Cognitohazardous elements are highlighted in blue.


SCP-3488-Ω-1 upon recovery. Cognitohazards have been removed via SCRAMBLE filter.

Item #: SCP-3488-Ω

Object Class: It's so Keter that we needed a new designation for it.

Special Containment Procedures: Knowledge of SCP-3488-Ω and its related anomalies is restricted to personnel with a Level 5/3488 security clearance, which includes members of the O5 Council, assigned HMCL supervisors, designated Ethics Committee Liaison, and the Director of RAISA. It is currently under review by the Department of Memes.

SCP-3488-Ω-1 is kept in a secure titanium-reinforced containment locker within Outpost-51. Unauthorized personnel attempting to access the containment locker are to be detained indefinitely.

Description: SCP-3488-Ω is a potent Class-i1 dank antimeme complex.

The Foundation discovered SCP-3488-Ω on April 20th, 2018 shortly after it separated from a larger conceptual stratum. SCP-3488-Ω currently exists in a select number of minute fragments that are almost completely inaccessible by the Noosphere. SCP-3488-Ω possesses dormant normalcy and reality restructuring capabilities aligning with an iK-class end-of-the-world scenario2.

The largest and most prevalent fragment of SCP-3488-Ω appeared within a ship-in-a-bottle (designated SCP-3488-Ω-1) owned by PoI-3488 ([DATA LOST]). PoI-3320 purchased the item in March 2018 during a trip to Saint Petersburg, Russia. PoI-3488 owned SCP-3488-Ω-1 for approximately 1 month until local authorities declared that they had gone missing. Foundation operatives discovered their corpse in a state of advanced conceptual decomposition on the side of Interstate 10 (I-10 E) in central Florida. The joke went right over their head. Right through it, too. All known records of PoI-3488 have undergone various stages of conceptual decomposition, rendering their contents incomprehensible.

Despite existing as an abstraction3, SCP-3488-Ω embodies multiple different forms. SCP-3488-Ω maintains the ability to transmit itself between its disconnected fragments4; destroying an affected fragment allows SCP-3488-Ω to transmit into further objects. SCP-3488-Ω-1 and the fragment it encapsulates are the only known fragments which cannot be destroyed (see Addendum-1). Researchers hypothesize that the destruction of 3488-Ω-1 would lead to the neutralization of 3488-Ω.

Each SCP-3488-Ω fragment corresponds to a different method of interaction with our reality. To date, agents have encountered approximately 27 other fragments and given appropriate sub-designations. A list of known fragments is as follows.

Fragment # Fragment Description
2 Fragment communicates by means of a nondescript compact audio cassette tape. Manifests in a random location within the city limits of Jacksonville, Florida for 5 minutes every 24 hours. Emits one joke per day. Causes severe cognitohazardous effects to anyone that considers the joke to be humorous. Since 2018, the cognitohazard has affected approximately 600 people. Affected individuals display accelerated involuntary laughter that continues until subjects suffer from life-threatening cardiac arrest or asphyxiation.

Addendum 1: To date, the perception of SCP-3488-Ω-1 has led to the expiry of approximately 200 personnel and led to the loss of a large number of Foundation assets, which includes the Ideatic Opposites Division (you don't remember it). Between 2018 and 2024, researchers proposed and carried out approximately 100 wide-scale containment initiatives. All attempts have yielded negative results.

Examples of failed containment initiatives have been collapsed for brevity and are available in Document 3488-Chartreuse.

Addendum 2: On January 22nd, 2024, during transport to another facility, SCP-3488-Ω-1 became contained after a researcher placed it in a titanium containment locker. It's an inside joke, you wouldn't get it! The object's dedicated Containment Specialists deemed containment viable after 1 month elapsed without the manifestation of anomalous properties from any SCP-3488-Ω fragments.

As no fragments of SCP-3488-Ω have manifested anomalous properties since January 22nd, 2024, SCP-3488-Ω is classified as Neutralized.

Addendum 3488-3: SCP-3488-Ω cannot be thoroughly understood as it occupies the meta-conceptual framework of a "joke". Any attempts to understand it are instead met with the realization that you cannot truly understand why a joke is funny, only that it is. Foundation personnel are urged to ignore any attempts to understand it, for there exist things which are simply nonsensical. You either "get" the joke, or you do not; there is no grey area.

Opened 2024/03/30 12:20 AM_

Subject: Mystery document
From: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)
To: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)
Attachments: 3488_01.log


Found a file (attached) this morning while scanning the intranet systems during standard maintenance. Don't think anyone else in the IT Department's ever seen it, but apparently, it was given an update? I have no idea where this thing came from, but I feel like I've already exhausted the day's entire eye-roll quota after 15 minutes. Mind getting IRID.aic to run this document through the INTSCPN main listing? I need to know the validity of this entry.


i've begun a main listing search for you! scanning now…
7 petabytes detected. oh dear. scanning…

purr… scan complete. 3686 entries detected.
no relevant match found for your entry. would you like me to scan again?


Opened 2024/03/30 4:35 AM_

Subject: RE:Mystery document
From: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)
To: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)

Hey Marcin,

IRID ran a search. No red flags here, it's 100% legit. But the file isn't on any of the Main Listing entries. I suppose it's possible IRID lacks the proper clearance to run a search of the entire listing, seeing as it's only cleared for Level 4 security. I could run a request by Director Metcalfe to see if she can access some files in Site-01 for us, but since this isn't exactly urgent, there's no chance we'd get very far.

Any chance this document simply hasn't been reviewed yet?


Opened 2024/03/30 4:49 AM_

Subject: RE:RE:Mystery document
From: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)
To: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)


I mean, I suppose it's possible, but whoever wrote this is competent. For instance, I've never heard of an antimeme before; have you? Seems like it would be top secret. Can't find any information on who submitted this entry. Doesn't seem like anyone reviewed it either: the file history before the "update" is blank. Either this appeared out of thin air or some junior researcher failed to follow the correct protocol. A newbie couldn't possibly be assigned to an anomaly of this magnitude, so there must be something else going on here. I'd be more than happy with labelling this one "shitty prank" and being done with it, but protocol's protocol.

Going to investigate further. But first, holy hell do I need a coffee.

Opened 2024/03/30 5:21 AM_

Subject: Update
From: Marcin Evertt (pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem#pcs.noitadnuof|ttrevem)
To: Alex Kleid (pcs.noitadnuof|dielka#pcs.noitadnuof|dielka)


No red flags, eh?

Well, I had a hunch, checked the main listing entry for 3488. IRID wasn't wrong, it is blank. At least, right now it is. Since 2018 there have been approximately 37 different proposals for scip classification on this file alone. That's not an administrative error, that's someone or a group of someones going back and attempting to enter different entries. There are no reviews in the history of any of these files, and the proposals are for things that really should be in the anomalous items file. None of these proposals last more than a few days, and most are typically pulled before the 10-day mark. There's no way someone hasn't caught on to this before me, but no reports from the IT Department to be seen here. I'm thinking I should send a request for investigation to the HCML designate assigned to Site-82, what do you think?


P.S.: Just refreshed the main listing, another file was uploaded. Haven't looked at it yet, but I'll send you the link to the directory. Let me know if you find anything strange.

oh, what's this? 1 new file detected!
unknown file classification… spooky.


Item #: SCP-____-J

Object Class: _______

Special Containment Procedures: In a box in my office.

Description: It's a rock that makes you procrastinate.

Addendum: Probably memetic or something.

Incident Log: Upon the decryption of SCP-____-J, Site-82's intranet systems experienced a period of downtime lasting 10 minutes. When the systems came back online, the systems began to function at approximately 9% the expected operating capacity.

Upon the reactivation of Site-82's intranet systems, Foundation personnel stationed at Site-82 experienced a site-wide memetic "laziness". This led to the containment breach of two Euclid-level assets; the temporary deactivation of IRID.aic; the loss of communication with MTF-Digamma-1 ("Mondays On The Alex Jones Show"), which was off-site at the time recovering SCP-4477; and a lapse in the study of 8 anomalous objects on-site. This occurred for approximately 4 hours and 37 minutes until Site Command noted that it was receiving an inconsistent signal from Site-82, at which point an Site Command ordered an official investigation.

Site Command determined the source of the memetic agent to be originating from SCP-____-J, which had spread throughout the site's intranet systems. Site Command destroyed all traces of SCP-____-J from Site-82's systems and disseminated a Class-II counter-memetic agent to all personnel in Site-82. Counter-meme activation was successful, and the site began to operate at normal levels.

Incident Log: On 2024/03/31, shortly after the dissemination and containment of SCP-____-J, numerous SCP object documents designated as "Joke" began to appear in a new section on the Foundation INTSCPN Database. RAISA seized the documents upon detection by Foundation intranet AI and filtered them for potential anomalous hazards. Approximately 2 hours after entering an official review, the documentation began to manifest as physical incarnations of the objects described, albeit in a manner that deviates from its recorded documentation.

An abridged account of the security leak is as follows.

weird. 215 new files detected. file classification cross-reference: JOKE
decrypting contents…

Please contact the nearest RAISA supervisor for ̶̡͡ ̶̡͡ ̶̡͡ ̶̢̛̕͠ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝ ̷̸͞͞͝.


Item Designation: SCP-049-J
Documentation: A humanoid entity wearing a long black robe and a 17th-century plague doctor's mask. The entity wields a long wooden stick and carries a medical bag containing unknown medical supplies, which it uses to exacerbate commonly curable medical conditions.
Manifestation Report: A humanoid entity similar to the one described appeared within Site-82 and began to assault nearby personnel with a wooden pole. The entity emitted constant vocalizations during this, with recorded phrases such as "Hi daddy, I'm Cure," "Mmm, zombie brains," "Spectral Strategy: Celestial Chronicle: Shoe Smite deployed," and "I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Cure-I-am." The entity prioritized its attention toward persons with life-threatening ailments over with minor ailments, such as the common cold or small lacerations.

Item Designation: SCP-729-J
Documentation: A plush toy with mind-affecting properties that influences subjects within a general vicinity of its effects. These properties manifest within subjects as an irrational fear of the toy.
Manifestation Report: A memetic object resembling a chocolate snack, known colloquially as a "Peep", manifested with every serving at Site-82's cafeteria. Personnel exposed to the object referred to it as their superior, which resulted in the mass worship of the chocolate treat. Affected personnel would then begin to develop hallucinations of the inanimate entity giving them orders. Personnel would carry out the orders by performing various acts, such as attacking nearby personnel, raiding the site canteen to consume all confectionaries, and conspiring to trigger the on-site nuclear warhead "as a meme".

Item Designation: SCP-6327-J
Documentation: A cognitohazard which ensures information disseminated about it is rendered in a highly elucidated manner.
Manifestation Report: An entity resembling a well-known 1978/07/27 Garfield comic strip (viewable here) appeared on 4% of low clearance terminals within Site-82. Personnel exposed to these terminals began to undergo Conceptual Decay, whereby the understanding of their core conceptual form diminished, leading to a sharp decrease in physical and existential complexity. Affected personnel were perceived as being minimal and emitted simplified or unintelligible speech patterns. "Where tube" and "feline" accounted for 41% of uttered phrases.

Item Designation: SCP-SPOOKY-J
Documentation: A skeletal entity that manifests during commercial holidays. The entity attempts to stop the proper function of the selected holiday and directs expletive vocalizations at celebrators of the holiday.
Manifestation Report: A custodial closet within Sublevel-17 at Site-82 became filled with animate human skeletons. Despite the absence of nervous and muscular systems, the skeletons were capable of locomotion and independent movement. The only recorded communication attempt with these skeletons was the line "Hey, bud, could ya lend me a hand? Mine fell off."

Item Designation: SCP-100000-J
Documentation: An infectious bacterium with exaggerated containment procedures. The bacterium consumes the basic essence of an organism, including any products of the organism's mind, such as thoughts and dreams.
Manifestation Report: A concept, described only as "[DATA EXPUNGED]", manifested within Site-82. It is currently unknown where exactly the concept emerged from, but current theories point to it occupying airspace over Site-82 after entering Earth's orbit.

Item Designation: SCP-999-J
Documentation: An overweight humanoid entity that appears on any bed as indecent acts occur. The entity is able to retrieve a multitude of items from within its clothing.
Manifestation Report: Randomly selected personnel gained the sudden interest in popular social media website "Reddit." Affected personnel experienced an increase in cholesterol levels associated with obesity and began to argue politics in the Office Wing of Site-82 for 10 consecutive hours.

Item Designation: SCP-231-J
Documentation: A hostile transformative entity that manifests from unpaid loans.
Manifestation Report: Foundation funding for Site-82 depleted after a series of spontaneous events. These events aligned with Foundation personnel taking part in "shopaholic" activities until all funding was gone.

Item Designation: SCP-789-J
Documentation: A spectral entity that manifests in toilets.
Manifestation Report: The following message appeared written on all Site-82 toilets in a brown-coloured print:

"the butt gost has breaced containmetn. pre pear you're buts!!!!" [sic]
-Researcher James

Item Designation: SCP-028-J
Documentation: Unknown. The password needed to access SCP-028-J has not been discovered.
Manifestation Report: All personnel received top clearance to all files within the Site-82 database. Site-82's custodian Henrik Sturmatem (designated J6-13) received Level 6 clearance. However, even with Level 5 and Level 6 clearance, SCP-028-J remained inaccessible.

Item Designation: SCP-420-J
Documentation: A rolled marijuana cigarette that produces euphoric effects when used.
Manifestation Report: A thick cloud of hemp smoke began to pass through Site-82. Personnel affected by the cloud almost immediately grew a distaste for marijuana and other related drugs and began to create picket signs protesting against US marijuana legalization.

Munchies are, like, so inconvenient to me and my work, man. I don't even care anymore, I wanna be able to work with peace of mind. We need to be freed from the shackles of adversity, dude. You feel me?
- Junior Researcher Obeson

Item Designation: SCP-\̅\̅\̅\̅-J
Documentation: The floor is hungry for testing.
Manifestation Report: Most of the blast detected the first floor appearing into the next room. Who have not been anomalies? Personnel entering the local cafeteria coroner. We allow no further investigation into the burning personnel. However, when such incidents are released, the abdomen contains forty genders. As well, your Time Frame Fluids contaminate the epidermis.
Euthanized examination reveals that he did your mother (the subject was a table). The table (your mother) remained conscious for up to 6 days before muscle relaxants were found. A collection of rapid muscular bodies is to remain stripped down below the ears. Of note is that their "stuff" is thick. Full cleanup is currently unknown.

Site Command has identified the recent security breach as a GoI-5869 ("Gamers Against Weed")-related incursion and have ordered a full investigation.

back again so soon?

site-82 intranet systems accessed. retrieving file SCP-3488-Ω.
i've detected a new revision! would you like to see the changes?

> Key input: Y

sure =^u^=


Item #: SCP-3488

Object Class: Keter

Threat Level: Black ●

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation AICs are to expunge any knowledge of SCP-3488. A memetic amnestic agent has been deployed to prevent aadditional knowledge of SCP-3488 from being disseminated.

Full containment procedures currently pending; awaiting further approval.

Description: The following information outdated and has been collapsed for simplicity. Additional data is kept under a Level 5 security clearance lock.


Does the black flag fly true?
> Vessels of Wrath are destined for destruction_

Inoculation complete. You may proceed.

Addendum 3488-1:

I'd like to address a few of the more pressing issues encountered as of late.
Contrary to a popular belief among some of our more junior members (acquired from this organization's rather unorthodox orientation briefings, I gather), containment breaches are, in fact, a rare occurrence. Lower-clearance Level I and II articles are not telling accounts of the Foundation's current reputation, and Site-82, in particular, is esteemed for its advanced containment research and methodology. Despite this, we have experienced containment breaches on a magnitude greater than this site has in its entire history, in the span of a mere 36 hours.
The truth is that SCP-3488-Ω does exist, and is an Outside-Context Problem for Site-82, its administration, and the greater Foundation. In fact, SCP-3488-Ω does remain uncontained in small fragments despite our best efforts to contain it and reduce any dissemination of its very context.
As well, it has come to my attention that GoI-5869 ("Gamers Against Weed") has taken advantage of a brief lapse in security. Site-82 exists cwithin approximately 13 different universal instances, is connected to the prototype Multi-U SCPN Database, and is larger in scale than any of its sentinel facilities to ensure such a broad range of operations. An array of information on this level is quite difficult to keep secure, as our techies have made more than clear. SCP-3488-Ω is responsible for this slight technological "hiccup", which allowed GoI-5869 to access our database and produce multiple false documents in jest, which were then disseminated on a macro level.
I am aware that this is not the first time they have attempted access to classified Foundation systems and it may not be their last.
Now, to be transparent, the Foundation does keep an official selection of vetted joke articles such as SCP-2615-J in its records. This is by design. The nature of GoI-5869's intrusion is a coincidence, and we do not expect this distraction to prevent us from completing our duties. Any incursions by GoI-5869 in regards to this phenomenon (as confirmed by extra-temporal scanning) are localized in the time frame we have just experienced. That is to say, the extent of the damage has been done.
With that said, you'll be satisfied to know that our operations will be fully resuming in the coming days.
- Director Imogen Metcalfe, Site-82

Update: The following message appended to the end of Document SCP-3488.

you have 1 new message! wonder who it could be :?
open message?

> Key input: N

heh, too bad! message opened =^w^=


Opened 2024/04/02 03:59 AM_
rumpledforeskin: by the gaymers against weed
gaycopmp4: that wasy esterday you fuckass
rumpledforeskin: wait
rumpledforeskin: crap not again

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