CURRENTLY AWAITING CRITIQUE REQUESTS
JAKDRAGONX
Non-native subjects migrating from SCP-1573 are to be tracked, located, and subsequently detained if applicable. Detainment will vary in length of time, as it is necessary for these subjects to forget about their previous experience(s) with SCP-1573 naturally. Amnesticization will never be necessary for this procedure. Once subjects display indications of natural amnesia and have successfully received their standard microchip implants1, they are to be permitted into the general public.
This is the first thing I would cut. It doesn't really add to your narrative by having things be able to leave and it makes the rest confusing that there is special ways to amnesticize people when it never really comes up again as important outside of this.
Same here. What is this trying to tell me about your narrative? Why is it only people that reproduce? Why would they leave?
Efforts to decommission the anomaly have been postponed to no earlier than 2035, where SCP-1573 is estimated to be as large as the county of Yavapai, located in the state of Arizona, United States, where it was initially discovered.
Why is this the date? Why does this matter?
All native-born children under the age of 15 exiting SCP-1573 are to be terminated via standard executions or, in the event that no weaponry is available, traditional strangulation methods.
Again, why?
Non-native subjects entering SCP-1573
If natives can't leave then are there any natives entering?
SCP-1573-1 describes its own anomaly, which is the perception of emaciated, humanoid-like entities that appear as normal, regular children, or offspring to all subjects who view it.
I have read this many times and still have no idea what it is saying. Is it claiming that -1 is a halucination or a sudden ability to see physical beings or something else? It is just really not clear and the rest of the article hinges on it.
SCP-1573-1 is
So is there only the one?
Settling subjects will be further affected by SCP-1573-1,
How does people settling vs just visiting contribute to your narrative? What is the reason that they are different groups?
Before the entity turns 15 years of age,
Why is this specified? Is this some child psychology thing?
these subjects will further nurture and protect SCP-1573-1 as if it were their actual child.
"these subjects" is not clear enough in context. state who they are. Also, I thought they were their children? They are offspring right? Just not human or non-anomalous? Or am I still not getting it?
and will be able to fully perceive the entity.
As what? What is it really? I thought it was just the perception?
Upon the discovery of SCP-1573-1, some subjects will attempt to leave the region described as SCP-1573, whilst others further nurture and care for SCP-1573-1. Subjects may even refuse to acknowledge the entity's existence. The exact reason and cause for these outcomes are unknown.
Without being clear of wtf -1 is, all of this makes no sense
Outside reports also suggest that SCP-1573-1 is parasitic in nature, leeching chemical energy from their perceived "parents" in order to further propagate themselves. Said report also claimed that there are no native-born children within this region. The legitimacy of this particular claim is still being investigated.
How does this add to your narrative?
Smith: You know, I don't think they see their babies. I'm almost sure of it. A lotta these people, they're all running from something. From somewhere. Having a name is hard, and what do you do when it just becomes too much? Where do you go? People flock to us because we provide them with exactly what they want—no identity. Nothing. Some people decide to come in and leave. And, you know, sure, that's fine. Totally fine. Do that. Do whatever makes you happy, you know?
This is the first time in the interview that anyone has said anything that means anything narratively in my opinion. Everything before this just feels like spooky filler because it just says things we either already know or he's just rambling about being old.
And the people who live here, I don't think… I don't think they understand. No, not at all. They come here, and they birth this beautiful, beautiful baby, you know? It's… it's a part of them. That baby. And they bring them to this world, and this place? They let this baby — a part of them — fester and thrive in this dark, dark place. Such evil things spawn from here, y'know. And people can't come to terms with what they've created. They'll pretend like they don't see it but… but they can. I know they can.
This is a completely different narrative than intended in every way I have interpreted it. This feels much more like you are talking about the people who make communities and then regret it. Like the people who first made the internet or reddit or whatever that have seen it become breeding grounds of toxicity and regret that they have created this attitude. It does not sound like it's about people creating shades of themselves. I think the natality aspect of the story really obscures your intention.
Smith: All of these people, you know, they'll call me old. They think I'm foolish. That I don't know what I'm talking about. And, like I said, I'm not dumb enough to think that everything I say is right, you know? We've created some great things here. We opened up opportunities, things that people can go to and lean on for help. Some people will come here, get what they need, and leave. And that's so great! So, so great. But, people who fester? The ones who stay in this place? They… some of them don't understand. They don't get it. Not until it's all just… much too late.
First bit that felt complete and connected to your goal
Due to its spontaneous and indeterminable nature, SCP-XXXX cannot currently be contained. All Foundation sites are to continually monitor high clearance level personnel for signs of a potential SCP-XXXX event if the necessary criteria for these occurrences have been fulfilled.
Due to its spontaneous and indeterminableso far. this just means they haven't yet determined its nature nature, SCP-XXXX cannotMore like has not. I have a personal bugbear with cannot on the wiki currently be contained. All Foundation sites are to continually monitor high clearance level personnel for signs of SCP-XXXX events. If the necessary criteria for these occurrences have been fulfilled, then what are they supposed to do about it?.
In order to deter future SCP-XXXX events, all Foundation sites are to regularly remind personnel to maintain a healthy relationship with upper management. In the event that intentional provocation or implicit harassment is reported towards any member of higher management2, immediate disciplinary action must be enacted, as circumstantially and logically applicable, to prevent SCP-XXXX. Personnel are to also be informed that — while not zero — the likelihood of SCP-XXXX occurring within their Site remains extraordinarily low, so long as they heed the aforementioned information. Site management is to also aid in maintaining high morale while providing Foundation personnel with the necessary resources to report issues or complaints as they arise. Failure to comply may result in disciplinary action up to and including termination of any involved.
In order to prevent future SCP-XXXX events, all Foundation sites are to regularly remind personnel to maintain a healthy relationship with upper management This reads like it's just people being like "go out for pizza with your boss" but I think the spirit of it is more like "In order to prevent future SCP-XXXX events, all Foundation sites are to provide mandatory team-building workshops and events that emphasize maintaining healthy workplace relationships between blue-collar personnel and upper management. In the event that intentional provocation or implicit harassment is reported towards any member of higher management2, immediate disciplinary action must be enacted is there a time limit? list of appropriate actions? to prevent an SCP-XXXX event. Personnel are also to be informed that the likelihood of an SCP-XXXX event occurring within their Site remains extraordinarily low as long as they heed the aforementioned information I don't know if this is necessary. I feel like this should only be known by management so they put effort into team building. If you make that known to everyone that it is low risk nobody would care and the relationships wouldn't be authentic. Site management is to also aid in maintaining high morale while providing Foundation personnel with the necessary resources to report issues or complaints as they arise You could definitely make this more corporate which I think would be funny. I've sat through so many dumb morale meetings. Failure to comply may result in disciplinary action up to and including termination of any involved ##Doesn't this go against the whole point?##.
Description
SCP-XXXX refers to a spontaneously occuring event that has only involuntarily manifested within Site-68 Site Director Amber J. Alice, causing severe lapses of judgment, critical thinking, and objective reasoning over the course of several weeks. Due to the relative lack of information, it is currently unknown whether or not SCP-XXXX has the potential to manifest within other Foundation personnel — particularly those that possess a high clearance authorization. Furthermore, Site Director Amber J. Alice is not to be held responsible for any misconduct that can be attributed to SCP-XXXX.
SCP-XXXX refers to a spontaneous event that has,thuso far, only involuntarily manifested within Site-68 Site Director Amber J. Alice. This event was characteristically anomalous in the way that it caused severe lapses of judgment, critical thinking, and objective reasoning over the course of several weeks. Due to the relative lack of information, it is currently unknown whether or not SCP-XXXX has the potential to manifest within other Foundation personnel — particularly those that possess a high clearance authorization. Furthermore, Site Director Amber J. Alice is not to be held responsible for any misconduct that can be attributed to SCP-XXXX.
Though the cause of these manifestations are unknown, it has been determined that a combination of either low work morale or high-stress environments may have amplified SCP-XXXX's effect onto Amber J. Alice. Whether or not SCP-XXXX can be attributed as anomalous or merely an oversight of appropriate judgment remains under investigation; however, due to its sudden occurrence, it has been given appropriate classification until sufficiently proven otherwise.
Though the cause of this manifestations is unknown, it has been hypothesized that a combination of the low work morale or high-stress environment at Site-68 amplified SCP-XXXX's effect onto Amber J. Alice. Whether or not SCP-XXXX can be attributed as anomalous or merely an oversight of appropriate judgment remains under investigation; however, due to its sudden occurrence, it has been given appropriate classification until sufficiently proven otherwise.
Discovery
On 2012/05/23, one recorded SCP-XXXX event was detected, centralized within Site-68. Foundation personnel were initially alerted after receiving a request for 600 kg of Purina Beneful ████████ Dog Food3, followed afterward by the cancelation of several shipments of dry food and supplies per the request of Site Director Amber J. Alice. When inquired, Site Director Alice assured Foundation operatives that this was intentional, citing massive loss of Foundation personnel and the arrival of several new anomalies into Site-684 causing the sudden change in shipments.
On 2012/05/23, one recorded Redundant since only one has EVER occured, right? SCP-XXXX event was detected, centralized within Site-68. Foundation personnel were initially alerted after receiving a request for 600 kg of Purina Beneful ████████ Dog Food3, followed afterward by the cancelation of several shipments of dry food and supplies per the request of Site Director Amber J. Alice. When inquired, Site Director Alice assured Foundation operatives that this was intentional, citing massive loss of Foundation personnel and the arrival of several new anomalies into Site-684 causing the sudden change in shipments.
After several days, Site-68 reported a temporary total lockdown drill, initiated and approved by Site Director Amber J. Alice. The intended length of Site-68's drill was to last upwards of several hours; however, due to unforeseen communication errors in the Foundation network, the lockdown lasted several weeks until it was later deactivated by automated systems.
After several days, Site-68 reportedIf it was started by site director who reported it? a temporary total lockdown drill, initiated and approved by Site Director Amber J. Alice. The intended length of Site-68's drill was to last upwards of replace several with a number since this would be in the approval report hours; however, due to unforeseen communication errors in the Foundation network, the lockdown lasted several weeks before deactivating by automated systems.
MTF-Epsilon 35 ("Cave Runners") was authorized to investigate Site-68 after its total lockdown. Upon investigation, MTF ε-35 reported a total of 256 dead, suspected to have perished due to a combination of starvation, extreme dehydration, or unified consumption of [INFORMATION CORRUPTED], both causing significant heart failure.
MTF-Epsilon 35 ("Cave Runners") was authorized to investigate Site-68 after the conclusion of its total lockdown. Upon investigation, MTF ε-35 reported a total of 256 dead personnel, suspected to have perished due to a combination of starvation, extreme dehydration, or unified consumption of [INFORMATION CORRUPTED] - each resulting in significant heart failure.
MTF ε-35 later discovered Site Director Alice in her office, sitting calmly at her desk. MTF ε-35 also reported several stockpiles of emergency sustenance that had been consumed nearby her position.5 When questioned, her only response was:
MTF ε-35 later discovered Site Director Alice in her office, sitting calmly at her desk. MTF ε-35 also reported several stockpiles of emergency sustenance that had been consumed nearby her position.5 When questioned, her only response was:
+PASTARASTA1
Personnel are required to fill out a form before being allowed access to the containment chamber during a Rerun Event.
"a form" sounds kinda goofy. I'd just toss a form name like "approval form J" or something to give it that clinical fel
It also displays a degree of sapience, being able to communicate by vocalizing, despite the lack of vocal cords. The face drawn onto the front is capable of animating to the vocalizations and expressing a variety of emotions.
It also displays a degree of sapience and is able to communicate by vocalizing, despite the lack of vocal cords. The face drawn onto the front is capable of animating to match the vocalizations and to express a variety of emotions.
Several methods of returning SCP-XXXX to a passive state have been identified; evoking a sense of nostalgia by placing SCP-XXXX in a familiar environment is usually the most practical method.
Several methods of returning SCP-XXXX to a passive state have been identified, although evoking a sense of 'nostalgia' by placing SCP-XXXX in a familiar environment is usually the most practical method.
SCP-XXXX is capable of unsealing and resealing the tape along its uppermost plane, allowing itself to open up its body to reveal several instances of SCP-XXXX-1. With every opening event, a separate collection of SCP-XXXX-1 is produced. SCP-XXXX subsequently asks any persons present which instance of SCP-XXXX-1 they would like to view.
SCP-XXXX is capable of unsealing and resealing the tape along its uppermost plane, allowing itself to open up and reveal several instances of SCP-XXXX-1 inside. During each opening event, a separate collection of SCP-XXXX-1 is produced and SCP-XXXX will subsequently ask any persons present which instance of SCP-XXXX-1 they would like to view.
SCP-XXXX-1 is a designation for the DVDs and VHS tapes produced by SCP-XXXX, which consist of various animated children's shows and films. Almost every known instance of SCP-XXXX-1 contains an unaltered, existing piece of media.
SCP-XXXX-1 is the designation for the DVDs and VHS tapes produced by SCP-XXXX, which consist of various animated children's television shows and films. Nearly all known instances of SCP-XXXX-1 have contained an unaltered, existing piece of media.
After an instance of SCP-XXXX-1 has been viewed by a subject, the individual encounters a related anomaly, referred to as a Rerun Event. The delay between a Rerun Event and SCP-XXXX-1 viewing can vary drastically from person to person.
Once an instance of SCP-XXXX-1 has been viewed by a subject, the individual will experience a related anomaly, referred to as a Rerun Event. The delay between the Rerun Event and SCP-XXXX-1 viewing can vary drastically from person to person.
Rerun Events are anomalous occurrences experienced by individuals who have viewed all or part of an instance of SCP-XXXX-1.
This is essentially just restating the previous section again
Rerun Events can range in severity from inconsequential and innocuous to severely harmful to their subjects.
Rerun Events can range in severity, from inconsequential and innocuous to severely harmful to their subjects.
SCP-XXXX was discovered following a series of posts on the website parawatch.net that proclaimed the existence of a "cursed" VHS tape of the animated children's show Rocko's Modern Life that was given to the user after a transaction on eBay with a seller going by the username "tooncollector".
SCP-XXXX was discovered following a series of posts on the website parawatch.net that proclaimed the existence of a "cursed" VHS tape of the animated children's show Rocko's Modern Life. The tape was reported to have been obtained by the user through a transaction on eBay with a seller going by the username "tooncollector".
An investigation was conducted to identify and locate the seller, who was quickly discovered in Bakersfield, California, and identified as Jacob Sawyer.
An investigation was conducted to identify and locate the seller, Jacob Sawyer, who was quickly discovered in Bakersfield, California.
Several VHS tapes and DVD cases which were later revealed to be SCP-XXXX-1 instances were discovered, along with a television.
Several VHS tapes and DVD cases, which were later revealed to be SCP-XXXX-1 instances, were discovered in Sawyer's home, along with a television.
After the capture of SCP-XXXX an interview was scheduled to understand the source of the object's emotional distress and how to properly address it. The contents of this log are written below.
Following the capture of SCP-XXXX, an interview was scheduled to understand the source of the object's emotional distress and how to properly address it. The contents of this log are written below.
So you're saying that despite your anomaly relating to cartoon media, you didn't have control over the characters within that media?
So, you're saying that, despite your anomaly relating to cartoon media, you didn't have control over the characters within that media?
I wanted to throw up. There wasn't anything in my stomach.
I wanted to throw up but there wasn't anything in my stomach.
He looked so bad.
He looked so mad.
The Brave Little Toaster.
My whole read to this point I had given the box a brave little toaster voice and vibe. nailed it
Subject turns off the lights within the chamber, lays onto the bed and began to rest.
Subject turns off the lights within the chamber, lays onto the bed, and begins to rest.
D-2445 enters a bathroom inside which two entities are conversing.
D-2445 enters a bathroom, inside which two entities are conversing.
Five days after viewing, while D-6671 is sleeping, a lengthy and flexible mechanical tube with a glass lens at the front end extends and slither from beneath the bed. The mechanism is periscopic in nature, and probes around the containment chamber. The device stares down at D-6671 for about three minutes before D-6671 wakes up, which causes the mechanism to quickly retreat back under the bed. Inspection underneath the bed reveals nothing.
Five days after viewing, while D-6671 is sleeping, a lengthy and flexible mechanical tube with a glass lens at the front end extends and slithers from beneath the bed. The mechanism, which is periscopic in nature, probes around the containment chamber. The device then stares down at D-6671 for about three minutes before D-6671 wakes up, causing the mechanism to quickly retreat back under the bed. Inspection underneath the bed reveals nothing.
During this dream, the massage became increasingly uncomfortable, until the subject awakens feeling a sharp pain and hearing a wet tearing noise from behind.
During this dream, the massage became increasingly uncomfortable until the subject awakened feeling a sharp pain and having heard a wet tearing noise from behind.
D-6671 crawls beneath the bed and pulls out a yellow crown with a headband similar to the one depicted within the show, constructed out of cardboard.
D-6671 crawls beneath the bed and pulls out a yellow crown with a headband, similar to the one depicted within the show, constructed out of cardboard.
The color scheme of Site-443 changes into a mix of both yellows and purples, and the sky viewed through Site-443’s windows also changes into a light yellow. Following these changes, a large humanoid entity manifests within one of Site-443's hallways, followed by two small, seemingly amphibious entities who quickly latch onto the large entity's back. All entities appear under the guise of Foundation researchers.
Following D-6671 initially placing the crown upon his head, the color scheme of Site-443 changed into a mix of both yellows and purples and the sky viewed through Site-443’s windows changed into a light yellow. Following these changes, a large humanoid entity manifested within one of Site-443's hallways, followed by two small, seemingly amphibious entities who quickly latched onto the large entity's back. All entities appeared under the guise of Foundation researchers.
The humanoid appears to be a balding, overweight Caucasian male. Its eyes bulge from their orbits, its skin is loose and scarred, and it wears crudely stitched-together clothing encrusted with iron oxide flakes. Its hands are missing several fingers and partially hidden under non-standard issue gloves, and clusters of steel barbs protrude from its skin and clothing in several areas.
The humanoid appears to be a balding, overweight Caucasian male capable of speaking, albeit in a notably hoarse and scratchy tone of voice. Its eyes bulge from their orbits, its skin is loose and scarred, and it wears crudely stitched-together clothing encrusted with iron oxide flakes. Its hands are missing several fingers and partially hidden under non-standard issue gloves, and clusters of steel barbs protrude from its skin and clothing in several areas.
Several passing researchers greet the entity, referring to the humanoid as Researcher Robert Wire. Researchers near Researcher Wire behave as if it were a recently employed member of the Foundation. Researcher Wire is capable of speaking, albeit in a notably hoarse and scratchy tone of voice.
Several passing researchers greet the entity, referring to the humanoid as Researcher Robert Wire. Researchers near Researcher Wire behave as if it were a recently employed member of the Foundation.
Inspection underneath the bed revealed them to be missing.
[[footnote]] Inspection underneath the bed after the event revealed them to be missing. [[/footnote]]
The fluid secreted by the Researcher Wire skin was found to be a mixture of iron oxide, blood, and pus. DNA samples of the skin and blood are inconclusive. D-6671's whereabouts are unknown.
The fluid secreted by the skin of Researcher Wire was found to be a mixture of iron oxide, blood, and pus. DNA samples of the skin and blood have been inconclusive. D-6671's whereabouts are unknown.
The songs lyrical content consists of D-1032 describing to the researchers within the area several reasons as to why they desire to be a dog.
The song's lyrical content consists of D-1032 describing, to the researchers within the area, several reasons as to why they desire to be a dog.
The desire is not out of curiosity, but rather a belief that they would be "better off" as a dog than as a human.
The desire, as explained in the song, is not out of curiosity, but, rather, a belief that they would be "better off" as a dog than as a human I feel like you need more rationale here is you aren't including the transcript of the song.
described by one researcher as "disorienting" and "as if a projector is going off inside my eyes".
described by one researcher as "disorienting" and "as if a projector was going off inside my eyes".
The visuals as reported by the researchers consisted mainly of a large, lengthy classroom with a chalkboard.
The visuals, as reported by the researchers, consisted mainly of a large, lengthy classroom with a chalkboard.
These illustrations would become fully colored and animate when drawn.
These illustrations would become fully colored and animate once drawn.
The researcher shows no signs of injury, and promptly walks off.
The researcher, showing no signs of injury, promptly walks off.
D-9926: You got in?
D-9926: You got it?
GRIGORI KARPIN
The basement was musty and dank; cobwebs everywhere and a coating of dust on the walls and floor. There wasn’t much maintenance required for a gateway to a hellish other dimension.
I feel like this could be described more as showing than just telling. I also think that this works as it currently is though so if you don''t want that vivid imagery before getting to the meat then I also understand.
“Not a bit but once I go in, you seal it behind me. I’ll signal once I am back on this side,” Rebekah said.
“Not a bit. But, once I go in, you seal it behind me. Understand? I’ll signal once I am back on this side,” Rebekah said.
But then she turned back to Rebekah without doing whatever it is thaumatologists do with their magic.
I don't like this line. Is it essentially just saying "But, before she started doing whatever it is thaumatologists do, she turned back to Rebecca"? It just feels awkward in its current phrasing of who is doing what and what exactly this should look like
Zadeh nodded and turned back to the barrier. She pressed her palms against the doors’ warding sigil and started whispering in Arabic. It was an old dialect and Rebekah could only pick up every third word, but she understood the gist. Zadeh was asking permission of Allah for passage beyond the protection of His presence. Rebekah shivered a little.
Zadeh nodded and turned back to the barrier. She pressed her palms against the doors’ warding sigil and started whispering in Arabic. It was an old dialect and Rebekah could only pick up every third word, but she understood the gist; Zadeh was asking permission of Allah for passage beyond the protection of His presence. Rebekah shivered a little.
The bronze doors shimmered and then there was a hiss, and the seal released its hold on them. Zadeh opened the bulkhead door quickly and turned to Rebekah.
The bronze doors shimmered and hissed as the seal released its hold. Zadeh opened the bulkhead door quickly and turned to Rebekah.
Rebekah wasn’t a meter inside the bulkhead when it crashed shut behind her. A moment later all sound ceased from beyond as the seal took hold again.
Rebekah wasn’t even a meter past the bulkhead when it crashed shut behind her. A moment later, all sound ceased from beyond and the seal took hold once more. I'm still not happy with this but I'm struggling to fix it. the "a moment later" sentence just doesn't feel like it matches the style and flow of the surrounding sentences and causes it to feel awkward to read. Might need like a remix or something into "The seal took hold once more behind her in the following moment, silencing all sound from beyond."
She walked forward and saw the shabby basement door in front of her. The handle was cool to the touch, almost frigid. She cracked it open and saw the shimmering trans-dimensional gateway beyond it. Here we go again.
She walked toward the shabby basement door that stood in front of her. The handle was cool to the touch, almost frigid, and released a pained groan as she turned it slowly. She cracked it open and saw the shimmering trans-dimensional gateway beyond it. Here we go again.
She felt a tingling sensation travel along her skin and into her bones as she passed through the gateway. It only lasted a moment, but it indicated a crossing. Into someplace she didn’t ever want to return to.
I feel like it needs a short transition into the gateway instead of just opening the door, seeing gateway, and entering gateway. What else is in this room? Is it just a door beyond a door? Does she walk far? I just want to know so much more about the world she is seeing in this basement! She felt a tingling sensation travel along her skin and into her bones as she passed through the gateway. It only lasted a moment, but it indicated a crossing into someplace she didn’t ever want to return to.
Site-91, Office of the Director
Slap a ------ before this report to show cutting away. Your articles always have great formatting and this one just is missing those visual storytelling elements
She rubbed the back of her neck, shifted in her seat for a moment. “I’ve been feeling off…”
She rubbed the back of her neck and shifted in her seat for a moment. “I’ve been feeling off…”
“‘Off’ as in?”
“‘Off’ as in…?”
“I can’t put my finger on it. But I’d never hurt another person before Iraq, and I don’t even feel bad about it. I wasn’t stressed after, no PTSD, no Nightmares. Bupkis.”
Odd escalation. Switch order“I can’t quite put my finger on it… But… I’d never hurt another person before Iraq and I didn’t even feel bad about it. I had no PTSD. No extra stress. No Nightmares. Bupkis.”
She made her way through a dark, wet tunnel. These underground passages were all that was left of Site-07 after an unknown event wiped it off the map and deposited the underground bunker beneath to this extradimensional space.
She made her way through a dark, wet tunnel. These underground passages were all that was left of Site-07 after an unknown event had wiped it off the map and deposited the underground bunker beneath it to this extradimensional space. Strange phrasing "deposited the underground bunker beneath to this extradimensional space" I feel should have a connection to what was actually deposited. Like "deposited the underground bunker beneath it with the gateway to this extradimensional space" or something
The tunnel stretched out for another fifty meters in front of her, the light at the end poorly illuminating her path.
The tunnel stretched out for another fifty meters in front of her before opening into a light that poorly illuminated her path. Original was odd tense shift and made the light being at the end feel like it was actually like a light, which made her using a flashlight feel odd. So this just changes it to be more visual that the light is more like a doorway or something, in my opinion.
After what felt like an inordinate amount of time, she emerged from the tunnel into the light.
Already used light so maybe switch it up? Not important but could do
She weaved her way through the obstacles until she found herself in a large passage empty of any objects. At the door to the room, several corpses of inhuman entities lay crumpled, desiccated and long dead.
She weaved her way through the obstacles until she found herself in a large passage empty of any objects. At the door to the room, several corpses of inhuman entities lay crumpled, desiccated, and long dead. Is this the door she entered through? Is there no visuals of stepping over corpses or anything? Or is this a different door? The weaving her way through to a large empty passage also makes me imagine her entering the room with the light, walking through it, entering an empty hallway, and then finding another room with the corpses. Is this correct or not? Either way, it could be more visual of what her path was and where these things are
A puff of dust and other particulate erupted around her, and she felt her feet tangle with the dried corpse, pulling her fully onto the ground.
A puff of dust and other particulates erupted around her and she felt her feet tangle with the dried corpse, which pulled her fully onto the ground.
A wave of blackness swept her up, as she twisted up among the corpses. Suddenly she couldn’t see anything and tasted coppery blood in her mouth.
A wave of blackness swept her up as she twisted among the corpses. Suddenly, her vision went dark and the taste of coppery blood filled her mouth.
She smelled blood and the acrid scent of burning rubber, felt her hands sink into wet earth. The pack suddenly weighed more than she could have possibly carried in and she felt an impossible gravity drag her down into the blackness.
She smelled blood and the acrid scent of burning rubber as her hands sunk into wet earth Thought it was bodies not earth? earth -> flesh?. The pack suddenly weighed more than she could have possibly carried in and she felt an impossible gravity drag her down into the blackness.
She felt an incredible hunger raging through her. It was physically painful, as she was literally starving.
She felt an incredible hunger raging through her - causing her physical pain as she was was starved. I assume this is part of the anomaly shenanigans and not just hunger pains from not enough pancakes? That's how I read it at least so I tried to suggest something that would be more viscerally descriptive of it and not make it read like the hunger was a coincidence while all this is going on
Then, just as suddenly as the blackness had overtaken her, it receded. She blinked her eyes against the blinding light of the passage and looked around.
“Why did you come back to this place, Agent Douglas?”
No crit just liked this section end!
At least Iona made sure he’d be comfortable after sealing him in here.
//At least Iona'd made sure he’d be comfortable after sealing him in here.//
Taking off her pack, she sat in the chair. Her hands were shaking. She looked around the room to distract herself. There wasn’t much here, just the bed and the desk. She looked at Marius and took stock: he was gaunt, a scraggily beard on his face, his red mottled skin showing where his dingy Foundation issued jumpsuit didn’t cover.
Taking off her pack, she sat in the chair. Her hands were shaking and she searched the room for something to distract herself; There wasn’t much there, just the bed, the desk, and the man she had just encountered. She looked at Marius and took stock: he was a gaunt man with a scraggily beard on his face and red mottled skin wherever his dingy Foundation-issued jumpsuit didn’t cover. ##blue|You could describe his facial emotion/presence, outfit, etc. I just think you could have one more statement here to give full picture and it would give closure to this paragraph.
“There. Now we are somewhat comfortable, unfortunately I have no refreshments to offer you.”
“There. Now we are somewhat comfortable. I appologize that I have no refreshments to offer you.”
“What? How is that a thing?”
“What? How is that possible?” Rebekah's personality is more field scientist than millenial in my opinion from your other works with her. I just feel that she would be more direct in her question like this
“Please, Rebekah.”
“Please, it's Rebekah.”
The crimson man laughed wearily. “Rebekah, then. Pleasantries out of the way, now can you answer my question?”
The crimson man laughed wearily. “Rebekah, then. Alas, with pleasantries out of the way now, can you please answer my question?” Aligning with character tone from prior dialogue. Also I'm picturing this guy as prison santa so I may have the fully wrong interpretation but I think I have his character speech patterns down enough
Marius nodded. “I thought I made myself clear to your Doctor Varga. I am a sacrifice to its rage and hunger. I did not think I would see another of your Foundation ilk ever.”
Marius nodded. “I thought I made myself clear to your Doctor Varga. I am a sacrifice to its rage and hunger. I did not think I would see another of your Foundation ilk ever again.”
“Right, the creatures. I don’t know. I was in a coma for months afterwards. Eventually I came out of it, but I can still feel it. But how did you protect me?”
“Right, the creatures. I don’t know. I was in a coma for months afterwards. Eventually I came out of it, but I can still feel it. How did you protect me?”
“I’m not a Karcist, Rebekah. Do you see a flock of Nälkä looking to me for guidance? No? That’s because I am alone, I have no community. Nothing but the warped creatures above and it for company.”
No comment but someone was trying to convince me and others that your aliens were all Karcist creatures so this is satisfying to see
“The people who lived here, who built those ruins, they welcomed the thing.
Is "the thing" the same as //it//? If so, I think you should say it here just to make that more clear since it has been named in all other relevant moments.
“Fascinating as I am sure that story is, finish the current tale.”
Reword. "current tale" is a bit casual for prison santa who is mad that she would read this thing. He would be seeing this as data more than a story. Consider something more like “I am sure that story is plenty fascinating. But I need you to focus and tell me what you saw.”
“So, all of the sudden, I’m in this dark place surrounded by mist and floating in the air. And the thing starts talking to me.”
“So, all of a sudden, I’m in this dark place surrounded by mist and floating in the air. And the thing starts talking to me.”
I have zero compunctions about violence I have been involved in since the coma.
compunctions feels a bit clinical for her speech patterns. Maybe just "guilt" or "remorse"?
More so, I jumped at the chance to kill someone trying to kill us.
Here you would use moreso instead of more so
“Won’t matter if they can smell you! Now, go. To the barrier, be quick!”
“Won’t matter if they can smell you! Now, go to the barrier. Be quick!”
The sound it made wasn’t anything she’d ever heard from a human throat, a mix between a strangled cry and whine of a hog she’d once heard on a kibbutz near year home.
The sound it made wasn’t anything she’d ever heard from a human throat, a mix between a strangled cry and whine of a hog she’d once heard on a kibbutz near her home.
More were entering the tunnel from where she’d come, many more than she could shoot she feared.
More were entering the tunnel from where she’d come, many more than she could possibly shoot.
She could almost feel the gnashing teeth of her pursuers at her heels but couldn’t stop to look how close they were.
She could almost feel the gnashing teeth of her pursuers at her heels but couldn’t stop to look at how close they were.
Finally, she saw the shimmering outline of the gateway in front of her, the dim basement of the curry shop beyond it.
Finally, she saw the shimmering outline of the gateway in front of her and the dim basement of the curry shop beyond it.
She landed hard on flat concrete and almost lost the rifle.
She landed hard on flat concrete, almost losing the rifle as her hand crashed against the floor.
Behind it dozens more of the creatures howled and screamed.
Behind it, dozens more of the creatures howled and screamed.
“Close it!” Rebekah squeaked
Genuinely cannot picture a squeak coming from Rebekah
Two of the soldiers hurriedly swung the door shut, and Zadeh started chanting with her hands against the bronze.
Two of the soldiers hurriedly swung the door shut, and Zadeh immediately began chanting as her hands collided with the bronze.
Zadeh bent put a hand on her shoulder. “You ok?”
Zadeh bent down and placed a hand on her shoulder. “You ok?”
All she could do was imagine the hunger in the voice, promising to wait for her.
All she could do was imagine the hunger in the voice promising to wait for her.
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/grigori-karpin-ii
The area of the Ural Mountains in which SCP-XXXX occurred has been sealed by a security perimeter two kilometers in diameter, enforced by electric fencing and antimemetic countermeasures. A forward operating base has been established to the south at the base of the mountains, where containment specialists and armed security are stationed. Personnel are to patrol the area daily and all civilians are to be removed from the area under the cover story of seismic instability.
The area of the Ural Mountains in which SCP-XXXX occurred has been sealed by a security perimeter[[footnote]]two kilometers in diameter[[/footnote]] enforced by electric fencing and antimemetic countermeasures. A forward operating base has been established to the south of the anomaly at the base of the mountains, where containment specialists and armed security are stationed All the time?. Personnel are to patrol the area daily ##Is there a reason? Is this a popular spot for civilians to attempt to enter warranting a 2Km diameter 24/7 patrol?## and all civilians are to be removed from the area under the cover story of seismic instability.
Access to SCP-XXXX-A must be authorized by Level-4 Clearance and specific approval from Director Varga.
authorized by level 4 clearance personnel and Varga or they need Varga and they need to be level 4?
SCP-XXXX is the collective designation for the anomalous events and phenomena concerning the deaths of nine hikers in the northern Ural Mountains. This incident occurred on or about 2 February 1959 and was colloquially described as the “Dyatlov Pass Incident.” The incident is common knowledge in Russia and received national attention, along with multiple subsequent investigations into the events.
SCP-XXXX is the collective designation for the anomalous events and phenomena that resulted in the deaths of nine hikers in the northern Ural Mountains. This incident occurred in February of 1959 and was colloquially designated as the “Dyatlov Pass Incident” by locals? The incident is common knowledge in Russia and had received national attention due to the multiple subsequent investigations into the events by civilian reporters?.
Igor Dyatlov and eight of his party voluntarily left their camp during the height of a harsh winter underdressed and without proper footwear. They made a small fire hundreds of meters from their original camp, then split up and died. The majority of the hikers died due to exposure, though a few died due to severe physical trauma.
Igor Dyatlov, along with eight of his party, voluntarily left camp during the height of a harsh wintersnowstorm? Being in February is already winter so some more description of context of what the height of a harsh winter implies could be helpful underdressed and without proper footwear. In the hours following their abandonment of camp, the group made a small fire hundreds of meters away, split up, and died; The cause of death for the majority of the effected hikers was deemed to be from exposure, although a few died due to severe physical trauma.
The investigation concluded that the group had died due to a “compelling natural force.” The inquest was closed, and the file was classified. It is unclear how the documents ultimately ended up in the possession of Marshall, Carter and Dark.
A civilian(?) investigation concluded that the group had died due to a “compelling natural force” before closing and classifying the inquest. It is unclear how the documents ultimately ended up in the possession of Marshall, Carter and Dark. Hell ya
Prior to this discovery there was no indication that the Dyatlov Pass Incident involved anomalous activity. Once the files were reviewed by Dr. Rossi of Site-91, an investigation was opened into the events.
Prior to this discovery, there was no indication that the Dyatlov Pass Incident involved anomalous activity. However, once the files were reviewed by Dr. Rossi of Site-91, an investigation by Foundation researchers was opened by into the events.
COUNTABRA
A relationship like a bullet hole and he is trying to cover it with a plaster.
Without first explaining the relationship this comes off as exposition and awkward. This is in the section from shelby’s perspective so this kind of narrative exposition should be, at the least, in a different line.
A round of talking it out – failed. A pack of parental intervention – caused unwanted side effects. An operation using couple therapy – the open wounds couldn’t heal properly.
Third sentence is fantastic. First two are a bit awkward. Maybe be more direct of what “a round of taking it out” and “a pack of parental intervention” mean since the operation connects to the wounds not healing.
This was the last place I would call Zack my boyfriend, the last place because he deserved that.
I think I get what you mean by this but I had to really try. Consider rephrasing to be more clear of what you are trying to get across
on closer inspection it stunk of weed.
Usually you don’t need to inspect very close to smell it. Also this is very direct, show the reader rather than telling. Stuff like “it smelled like he had wrestled a skunk” or something
This dug me into a hole thinking about what else Zack has done.
Show instead of tell. Just show her spiraling.
General thought #1
Watch for consistent tense. You hop between present, past, and future tense throughout.
The house manifested on the horizon visible from my car’s front windscreen.
The following lines describe the house as literally having eyes, a nose, and tongue. Unless that is true, you should make it sound more metaphorical.
Nothing, apart from the whole team went missing. Like the house was a black hole. Nicola and Zack also went missing and probably are still missing.
This is a big of an issue. You could put an interlude of this investigation, newspaper articles, whatever. This is a big thing to just brush past and I didn’t really acknowledge it as I read through.
He researches anomalous phenomena
I think they would use some other cover
Overall critique
The second half (after timeskip) was much better than the first half. I get really uncomfortable reading about abuse and I think showing rather than telling would put the reader in an uncomfortable perspective that helps with the story rather than just shocking with some of the concepts and terms. I also think you could do with more character building at the start to get me to know and care about their dynamic. Otherwise these situations of visiting an ex boyfriends cabin in the woods and possibly cuddling when his current gf was still there all feel very strange. I will say, however, that this is a massive improvement from where it started. I actually enjoyed reading this!
RADIOACTIVERADS
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/radioactiverads
Every Friday, three members of MTF Mu-13 ("Ghostbusters") are to be present on site to ensure that the apparitions manifesting around SCP-XXXX do not harm on-site personnel or seek out a human settlement.
Every Friday, three members of MTF Mu-13 ("Ghostbusters") are to be present on site to ensure that the apparitions manifesting around SCP-XXXX do not harm any on-site personnel or seek out nearby human settlements. I don’t think “seek out” is the appropriate term. Would they intentionally seek them out or just wander in that direction?
On Fridays, at UTC 12:00 am, SCP-XXXX will begin to emit sounds in a rhythmic pattern up to 120 dB and produce a variety of colored lights from its windows.
On Fridays, at exactly UTC 12:00 am, SCP-XXXX will begin to emit a rhythmic pattern of sound, reaching up to 120 dB, and will emit a variety of colored lights from its windows in what pattern?.
As this occurs, 20 to 30 Class-I apparitions1 will manifest around SCP-XXXX armed with picket signs, bats, fruit, and toilet paper.
move the footnote to the end of the sentence. It’s current location made me expect that it would be defining what a Class-I apparition was, so when I read it I was confused for a moment of how that expanded on Class-I. Also say baseball bats.
The apparitions will then proceed to vocalize obscenities and throw objects towards SCP-XXXX. Due to the apparition's focus on SCP-XXXX, they do not willingly move far away from it and typically ignore Foundation personnel. At 6:00 am, the apparitions will demanifest as SCP-XXXX returns to its original state.
The apparitions will then proceed to vocalize, shouting obscenities and other derogatory statements, while throwing objects towards SCP-XXXX. Due to the apparition's focus on SCP-XXXX, they will not willingly move far away what counts as far away? from it and will typically ignore Foundation personnel. At 6:00 am, SCP-XXXX will return to its original state and the apparitions will demanifest.
All attempts to examine the interior SCP-XXXX by force entry has failed, as well as attempts of relocating SCP-XXXX.
All attempts to examine the interior of SCP-XXXX by forced entry or relocate the anomaly have failed.
On December 13th, 1996, a Class-II apparition identified as PoI-6852 stood on top of SCP-XXXX and claimed that Foundation personnel were responsible for the apparition's inability to access SCP-XXXX.
On December 13th, 1996, a Class-II apparition, identified as PoI-6852, stood on top of SCP-XXXX and claimed that Foundation personnel were responsible for its inability to access SCP-XXXX.
Now that I got your attention, I want to ask you, why are you here?
Now that I have your attention, I want to ask you, why are you here?
Because those assholes inside decided weren't good enough!
Because those assholes inside decided we weren't good enough!
But that's not that end of it.
But that's not the end of it.
from a bag of chips during work hour.
from a bag of chips during work hours. this is funny but feels out of place unless the transcriber is a petty butthead
Do you know what I say we should do?
Want to know what I say we should do?
Wait, that's you, isn't, Sammy!
Wait, that's you, isn't it? Sammy!
Do you really think I let you do whatever you please?
Do you really think I can let you do whatever you please?
I'm just here talking to my brothers and sisters on what our next plan is for liberation is!
I'm just here talking to my brothers and sisters on what our next plan for liberation is!
The Caprine entity bends down and whispers into the hear of PoI-685.
The Caprine entity bends down and whispers into the ear of PoI-685.
He's a liar, he just using you for who knows what.
He's a liar, he’s just using you for who knows what.
After this incident, on every Friday, PoI-685 manifested with a podium on top of SCP-XXXX with the caprine entity at their side and began to give speeches on topics about injustice, courage, piety, and the economics of a soul.
Every Friday since this incident, PoI-685 has manifested with a podium on top of SCP-XXXX with the caprine entity at their. Upon manifesting, PoI-685 will began to give speeches on topics about injustice, courage, piety, and the economics of a soul.
Subsequently, the number of apparitions manifesting around SCP-XXXX increased with each consecutive Friday, reaching a population of 112, along with objects3 that had PoI-685 face on them.
Subsequently, the number of apparitions manifesting around SCP-XXXX has increased with each consecutive Friday, reaching a current population of 112 instances carrying objects3 bearing PoI-685’s face.
You all see.
You'll all see.
However, this resulted in Bond being declared as a "clown" by the apparitions that manifested around SCP-XXXX and yelled at whenever he appeared around them.
However, this has resulted in Bond being declared as a "clown" by the apparitions that manifested around SCP-XXXX - who now yell at him whenever he appears around them.
On the last campaign, when Bond was forced to leave after excrements of an unknown entity was thrown at him,
On the last campaign, when Bond was forced to leave after excrement of an unknown entity was thrown at him,
you-eye-you
why is this phonetic? UIU would work just fine or better
s-see-pee XXXX dash one
SCP-XXXX-1
And they sound piss.
And they sound pissed.
At 7:00 am, a ten-meter tall luminescent multi-winged humanoid descended from the sky and levitated in front of the largest building in SCP-XXXX-1.
At 7:00 am, a ten-meter tall, luminescent, multi-winged humanoid descended from the sky and levitated in front of the largest building in SCP-XXXX-1.
An assembly of eight Foundation personnel were deployed and given ariel transport to assist the situation.
An assembly of eight Foundation personnel were deployed and given aerial transport to assist with the situation.
Besides who uses an RV for a Providence?
Besides, who uses an RV for a Providence?
h eee double l
H.E. double L
And one of the big shots there have taken a liking to this place, so I'll be careful if I was you.
And one of the big shots there has taken a liking to this place, so I'd be careful if I was you.
You bet-ya!
You betcha!
And the food?
And the food?
** You are** allowed to exist around thy's providence for now!
You are allowed to exist around thy's providence for now!
Due to elongated manifested time SCP-XXXX-1 has acquired5 and the presence of Abrahamic entities after Incident-03
awkward phrasing
An agreement with PoI-685 dealing with SCP-XXXX-1 has been made and details:
An agreement for dealing with SCP-XXXX-1 has been made with PoI-685, which includes the following details:
ANACTUALCROW
http://kontainer.djkakt.us/i-did-this-for-you-my-love
Overall
Loved the concept but some of the top descriptions could use some fixing (As I have put in red) and I wonder what the purpose of the 7 months and 4 months descriptions are. It could just use more contextualizing of where these notes were found and how they exist in the world
SCP-XXXX has been bought by the Foundation and has been closed under cover story 885-C (risk of collapse due to termite infestation). Personnel are not to enter SCP-XXXX without proper non-euclidean traversal equipment and supervision (see: "The Ins and Outs of Non-Euclidean Spaces").
SCP-XXXX has been closed off to non-Foundation personnel under cover story 885-C (risk of collapse due to termite infestation). Personnel are not to enter SCP-XXXX without proper non-euclidean traversal equipment is this traversal equiptment for non-euclidean space or is the equiptment non-euclidean itself? and supervision By whom? If this is for all personnel and not just level 2 staff or something then who supervises the supervisors? (see: "The Ins and Outs of Non-Euclidean Spaces") Wouldn't all agents and researchers working with this SCP be familiar enough not to need what sounds like a "for dummies" book on non-euclidean spaces?.
SCP-XXXX refers to the former property of Hugo and Sarah Connak.
Do they matter? just for this or for other reasons? SCP-XXXX refers to a house in city, country, that was formerly owned by Hugo and Sarah Connak prior to containment.
SCP-XXXX contains a non-euclidean space occupied by a series of interconnected rooms extending away from the house's living room. While this has led to minor expansions (less than 150% of exterior measurements) in some sections of SCP-XXXX, the basement has been extended infinitely downward and to the sides. This gives the non-euclidean space a roughly conical structure, with the living room of the house near the tip.
SCP-XXXX's interior exists as a non-euclidean space I never like non-euclidean spaces that aren't explained how they are non-euclidean but it's up to you with a series of interconnected rooms extending away from its designated living room. While this has led to minor expansions What is a "Minor Expansion?" (less than 150% of exterior measurements) in some sections What sections? of SCP-XXXX, the basement has been extended infinitely downward and to the sides sides don't mean much in infinite expansion and non-euclidean geometry. Maybe "the basement has become an infinite expansion in all directions"; This gives the volume of SCP-XXXX's interior a conical structure, with the living room at the tip and basement making up the base But a cone doesn't have an infinite base.
The origin of SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties is indeterminate, although it is hypothesized to be an entity within SCP-XXXX, possibly Hugo Connak (hereafter referred to as SCP-XXXX-A).
SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties are currently hypothesized to be the result of an entity[[footnote]]believed to be Hugo Connak[[/footnote]], hereafter referred to as SCP-XXXX-A, that lives within SCP-XXXX.
SCP-XXXX-A and Sarah Connak cannot be found within SCP-XXXX, although whistling and hammering can occasionally be heard from deep within the structure. Sarah Connak has not been spotted outside of SCP-XXXX house in over 4 months. SCP-XXXX-A has not been spotted outside of SCP-XXXX in over 7 months.
where can they be found? Why doesn't sarah get a fancy designation? This specific detail makes me think that they can be found somewhere else but something weird about them goes on within the building. So they just live there?
SCP-XXXX-A and SCP-XXXX-B have yet to be encountered physically within SCP-XXXX, although whistling and hammering can occasionally be heard from deep within the structure - indicating their presence. While in containment, neither SCP-XXXX-A or SCP-XXXX-B have emerged from within SCP-XXXX; SCP-XXXX-A and SCP-XXXX-B have remained within the building for 7 months and 4 months, respectively.
The following note was left on a small table by the front door of SCP-XXXX:
When? I assume this is to be interpretted as some time before Addendum XXXX-2?
A chair and a pile of notes were found outside the entrance to the basement. A copper pipe ends 2 meters above the pile and leads into the basement. The notes in the pile read as follows:
Is this during an exploration of the SCP or is the entrance to the basement outside? A pile of notes atop a wooden chair appeared outside of the entrance to SCP-XXXX's basement.
A copper pipe ends 2 meters above the pile and leads into the basement.
Did this appear with the notes or was this always there? Why is this in the addendum context? I also struggle to understand what this looks like and can't visualize what you are trying to show/tell me
I normally wouldn't have done it, but I was filled with energy and felt that there wasn't any point leaving things broken.
This goes against the handiman persona the first addendum made me picture. He is gonna take time off to renovate and repair but tightening screws and changing a lightbulb is out of character?
If I'm still sick tomorrow morning I'll be sure to stay in bed.
If I'm still sick tomorrow morning I'll probably just stay in bed.
P.S. I switched out the batteries out on the clocks, since they must have broken last night. I couldn't have been down there for more than a few hours.
P.S. I switched the batteries out in the clocks since they must have broken last night. There's no way I was down there for more than a few hours.
Footnote 1
What does this mean? Why not just include it?
I've read all the messages you sent me, and I once again understand why you were once the statewide debate champion (haha). My point is you made some very convincing arguments which resulted in me leaving my workstation for a bit and coming up to visit you. Unfortunately, it must have been around midnight, since you were sound asleep in the bedroom. I didn't want to wake you up, but I felt like I had to do something for you before I left. In the end, I decided to fix up the rest of the house! It should feel a bit roomier now, and I promise the renovations on the basement will be done soon.
I've read all the messages you sent me and I once again understand why you were once the statewide debate champion (haha). My point is, you made some very convincing arguments which resulted in me leaving my workstation for a bit and coming up to visit you. Unfortunately, it must have been around midnight, since you were sound asleep in the bedroom. I didn't want to wake you up, but I felt like I had to do something for you before I left. In the end, I decided to fix up the rest of the house! It should feel a bit roomier now. I promise the renovations on the basement will be done soon.
JAKOB17
http://scpdsandbox.wikidot.com/jakob17
SCP-XXXX is a transparent red 20 sided die with white numbering of 1-20, similar to that of a die used in the popular tabletop game, Dungeons and Dragons™. Additionally SCP-XXXX is immune to any kind of trauma.
SCP-XXXX's anomalous effect manifests when an individual throws it. Any action done by the individual within the next 5 seconds will corispond the degree of success in the subject's action corresponds to the number of the dice:
SCP-XXXX is a transparent, red twenty-sided die with white numbering. SCP-XXXX's anomalous effect manifests when an individual throws it and takes an action within the time it takes for SCP-XXXX to come to a rest-state. During the timeframe that SCP-XXXX's effect is active, any action taken by the individual will be modified in a way that corresponds to the number left face-up when SCP-XXXX comes to a rest state. The modification of the action effected by SCP-XXXX corresponds to the number of the dice according to the following possibilities:
1: Subject fails action on anomalies levels of which can result in harm.
1: Subject fails action to an anomalous degree (often resulting in physical harm to the individual).
2-9: Subject fails action to the degree of number thrown.
10-2: Subject fails action to the degree of number thrown; Degrees of failure range from a minor inconvenience or social blunder to destruction of property or major violation of social norms.
10-19: Subject succeds in action in degree of number thrown.
19-11: Subject succeds in action in degree of number thrown; Degrees of success range from lucky encounters with required tools for the current task to major fortune in completion of task goals.
20: Subject succeds in action on higher degree then physically possible.
20: Subject succeds in the action to an anomalous degree.
After the result of the dice roll, the subject will go through with the action not acknowledging the result until said action is fulfilled. (For further information see Addendum XXXX-1).
Bring this out of the quote block and rephrase it.
Addendum-1: Testing
Many of the requests have poor grammar and are confusing. I reccommend pasting them indo a word document and seeing what spelling and grammar check say
Salmonella poisoning sounds like more of a 2. A 1 would be like accidentally eating their own hand while biting the sandwich
Everything after Addendum !
##Much of it has poor grammar and major spelling issues. Toss them into a word document and check spelling and grammar suggestions. Also make sure the recovery log actually uses the SCP in an interesting way##
MAGIC8BALL04
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/elephant-hide
SCP-XXXX is a 2 meter tall biological entity comprised of human epidermal structures.
SCP-XXXX is a 2 meter tall biological entity composed of human skin tissue. ##unless you are meaning more specific epidermal structures##
SCP-XXXX is in a constant state of vertical levitation, ranging between one-two meters from the nearest terrain.
SCP-XXXX hovers approximately two meters above anything below it at all times.
SCP-XXXX-1 instances are 35 centimeter x 35 centimeter subdivisions of SCP-XXXX that have physically detached from SCP-XXXX. SCP-XXXX-1 instances have English phrases lacerated into them by what has been hypothesized to be human fingernails. All known SCP-XXXX-1 instances share the following traits:
SCP-XXXX-1 instances are 35cm x 35cm subdivisions of SCP-XXXX that have physically detached from SCP-XXXX when or how?. SCP-XXXX-1 instances have English phrases carved into their surface by what appears to be human fingernails. All known SCP-XXXX-1 instances share the following traits:
Each line of SCP-XXXX-1 possesses a monorhyme scheme
While written in identifiable English, SCP-XXXX-1 instances share no discernable information
None of these are things I don't get by just reading them. I say remove them
Emily Cole, a 12-year-old female, was discovered dead in her place of residence. The entirety of their epidermis was absent from their corpse. SCP-XXXX was recorded levitating half a meter above Emily's body, motionless. The Foundation was informed by Emily Cole's older brother and sister over a telephone call to the local police station. Emily Cole’s official cause of death is determined to be blood loss. The Foundation recovered SCP-XXXX without incident. The following SCP-XXXX-1 instance was located beside Emily Cole's corpse.
Emily Cole, a 12-year-old girl where?, was discovered dead in her home on dd/mm/yyyy. Upon her discovery by her older brother, Jimmybob Cole, her entire epidermis had been removed from her body with an SCP-XXXX instance levitating in place half a meter You said always 1-2m above anything above her body. The Foundation was informed of the presence of the anomaly after her older brother and sister called the local police station. Emily Cole’s official cause of death was determined to be from massive blood loss.
During this event, the Foundation recovered the SCP-XXXX instance without further incident. The following SCP-XXXX-1 instances were located beside Emily Cole's corpse upon containment.
Addendum XXXX-1: SCP-XXXX had exhibited no notable behavior since its containment. A series of DNA tests have been conducted on SCP-XXXX, and have determined that SCP-XXXX is comprised of human epidermal structures. Each individual DNA test result was unique; The individuals they described vary in sex and ethnicity. The following SCP-XXXX-X instance was recovered shortly after genetic testing.
Addendum XXXX-1: The SCP-XXXX instance has exhibited no notable behavior since its containment until the event described herein. A series of DNA tests were conducted on SCP-XXXX to determine the origin of the human skin it is composed of. Results of the genetic testing on the instance of SCP-XXXX revealed that its skin is composed of human tissues varying in sex and ethnicity. The following SCP-XXXX-1 instance was recovered shortly after genetic testing where?.
Addendum XXXX-2: Security footage shows SCP-XXXX displaying minute convulsions. 1 minute and 26 seconds proceeding the beginning of the convulsions SCP-XXXX forcefully ruptures and all security cameras, walls, and windows are coated with the remains of SCP-XXXX.
Addendum XXXX-2: On dd/mm/yyyy, security footage showed SCP-XXXX convulsing minutely. 1 minute and 26 seconds after the start of the convulsions, the SCP-XXXX forcefully ruptured and coated all security cameras, walls, and windows with the remains of the SCP-XXXX.
Four D-Class personnel are instructed to enter SCP-XXXX's containment cell and clear the security cameras of all debris. Upon closer examination, all remains of SCP-XXXX appear to be SCP-XXXX-1 instances. 96% of the SCP-XXXX-1 instances were illegible due to congealing between instances and a large quantity of what has been determined to be sweat. The remaining SCP-XXXX-1 instances are determined to be non-anomalous, and an official cleaning crew is dispatched. The following SCP-XXXX-1 instances are recovered.
Two D-Class personnel were instructed to enter SCP-XXXX's containment cell and clear the security cameras of all obstructing debris. Upon closer examination, all remains of SCP-XXXX were determined to be new instances of SCP-XXXX-1. 96% of the recovered SCP-XXXX-1 instances were illegible due to congealing between instances from a large quantity of what has since been determined to be sweat. The remaining SCP-XXXX-1 instances were determined to be non-anomalous How can they not be anomalous if they are instances of SCP-XXXX-1? and an official cleaning crew was dispatched. The following SCP-XXXX-1 instances were recovered during this event:
PLACEHOLDER MCD
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/collab:mcdoctorate-s-proposal
SCP-001 is an anomaly that feeds off of being perceived as significant, and will alter documents within its sphere of influence, causing reality to match to fit the new documents. The Foundation discovers that the 'retirement proposals' are way more dramatic and all-encompassing than one would expect, so they move them to a new location, causing SCP-001 to designate itself. This is where the anomaly starts to affect itself to be more significant. Maria Jones investigates the anomaly, and supposedly she figures out its weakness.
In response to this, the anomaly fucks with a bunch of Site-01 documents to cause a bunch of confusion over whether or not Jones exists. This not only casts doubt on any findings she may have submitted, but it also causes the anomaly to be perceived as more significant for being the potential cause of a massive controversy and data breach. SCP-001 also gains access to O5-1's personnel file, and changes reality such that O5-1 was always in charge of RAISA. The anomaly starts influencing O5-1 to act in its interests and amnesticise anyone who heard Jones' message.
In iteration three, the anomaly has now expanded to affect all Keter anomalies. At this point, it has been amplified enough that it now has access to all documents of this type, and is altering them to influence the O5s to see it as significant and deserving of more attention and resources.
In the fourth iteration, the anomaly has expanded to affect any object/concept which can be considered more significant than all other comparable object/concept (anything that is the first element of an ordered set). At this point the anomaly has control over basically all of causality, and is actively causing a bunch of different realities to coexist in order to terrify the world into buying into its narcissism. The Foundation beats the anomaly by removing the number one, and, by extension, the concept of first-ness (primacy) from human conception…..
…..after which, the human race is left to live in a post-apocalyptic conceptual hellscape, where they have to try and rebuild society without the concept of the number one. Because of this, SCP-001 and its effects can no longer be perceived as significant, so it starves are shrivels back down to a dormant state, causing all of the shenanigans it created to unravel and revert
In iteration five, the Foundation has figured out that the best way to contain it is to pay it no attention.
Iteration 1
I think the fundamental issue comes from iteration 1 in the letters from RAISA and the way the anomaly is initially described. These letters and updates create an untrustworthy narrative that carries throughout the rest of the iterations without being closed and makes the reader think that none of this is real. I believe you are trying to say, in this iteration, that the anomaly attached to the 001 slot just exacerbates whatever it latches onto. So it had been latched onto the proposals and was the reason that they were more extreme and narrative than others. So they redesignate and move the 001 proposals somewhere else and make it self referential to contain it. But what actually comes out on this page is that 001 is self referential, 001 makes other 001-related anomalies emplify their properties, 001 used to be a set of proposals written by retiring staff in a more prose form (which somehow made them think an anomaly was there but it isn't really explained that the prose format wasn't what was originally written", once they realized this 001 effect existed they moved the rest of the proposals. But then we learn that this 001 and the proposals all came from nowhere suddenly. This presents an issue in that we now don't know if we should believe anything above these RAISA updates, which we should for the article to make sense, and makes iteration 2 feel disconnected because we are essentially told that these raisa updates are false and the result of the 001 compounding its effect so it doesn't really make sense that in iteration 2 it actually latched onto the RAISA director to protect itself.
What I think should be modified in this version 1 is to make it clear that the 001 amplifies anomalies more than just narrative (so the anomalies selected as proposals were actually made more intense in real life to fit with their amplified records) and that the actual document written is real and unmodified and the anomaly is just adding updates to itself rather than changing its own original description (making the reader trust the article).
Iteration 2
What makes this iteration have issues is that it doesn't really make sense of who it latched onto Maria instead of just continuing to amplify itself. I feel like it needs to logically flow from something in the previous version to make sense as an amplification. Like end version 1 with Maria putting in a note requesting that the 001 be reclassified to a minor memetic anomaly or something. That would then make sense and hint to the overall theme when the second iteration is basically a memetic(?) anomaly at its extreme. It would start to hint to the reader at what is going on by having it start as a minor thing and then suddenly its doing stuff at the extreme level. Then end it off with them classifying it as keter at this current state and then that will become the extreme keter event in version 3.
Iteration 3
This one has no fundamental issues
Iteration 4
This one is great overall but I feel like it doesn't really flow into iteration 5. Like, it ends as still a huge thing with 1st ordinal numbers being removed and then its suddenly not to be worried about. Your plan has the foundation realize that they are starving it of its fame and power but what gets them to the point of just ignoring it? When do they bring the numbers back in and how do they decide that? It just feels very sudden to go from changing fundamental mathematics to ignoring it without any explanation.
Iteration 1
Welcome, tenpics.noitadnuof|nogadep#tenpics.noitadnuof|nogadep
Just curious. Does this work for usernames that are multiple words? Like does it substitute a space with an underscore?
WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED USE OF DIRECTOR JONES' CREDENTIALS. DO NOT ACCESS THE FOLLOWING FILES.
We just signed in with my credentials but this reads like I have used Jones' credentials without authorization. Is this correct or do you more mean that "The files have been influenced by the account of Director Jones"?
The following document has been placed under manual review due to irregularities concerning its creation.
The following document has been placed under manual review due to irregularities in its content and creation.
Until SCP-001 and/or the creation of its documentation are proven to be non-anomalous, the following procedures are to be observed:
But Jones changes its designation without meeting these conditions
SCP-001 must be maintained as a placeholder designation. The SCP-001 designation must only be used to refer to itself and its effects.
Beautiful
Anomalies documented in retirement proposals are to be referred to by code names: the surname of the employee responsible for each proposal.
Anomalies documented in retirement proposals are to be referred to using the surname of the employee responsible for each proposal and a brief descriptor of the contents.
SCP-001 is the designation for the first entry of the SCP database.
I know what you mean by this but are we currently in-universe or dealing with pataphysics? In universe this would be the “Foundation database of anomalous objects, events, and entities” and pataphysics would probably still throw in “SCP Foundation database”
Anomalies associated with SCP-001 are hypothesized to be affected by an anomalous phenomenon which causes them to exhibit similar properties.
Anomalies associated with the SCP-001 designation are hypothesized to be affected by an anomalous phenomenon causing them to exhibit similar properties.
Specifically, SCP-001 is believed to amplify certain features of anomalies with which it is associated.
I think it might be worth being clearer of what associated means. Like do they need to be designated in this slot or just be related to it somehow?
The extent to which anomalies and/or their documentation are affected by SCP-001 is unknown, and the mechanisms through which it does so are poorly understood.
The extent to which anomalies and/or their documentation are affected by SCP-001 is currently unknown and the mechanisms through which this effect occurs are poorly understood.
Historically, the SCP-001 designation has been reserved for a collection of 'retirement proposals'. These are the product of an established Foundation tradition1 in which retiring A-Class personnel are eligible to submit a collection of internal documents relating to an anomaly of personal significance.
Great!
These documents exhibit a dramatic nature, and are less technical and more narratively-appealing than would be expected of a research proposal; the identification of these common characteristics led to the discovery of SCP-001's theorized effect.
These documents exhibit a dramatic, less technical nature and are written in a more narratively-appealing tone than would be expected of a standard research proposal; the identification of these common characteristics led to the discovery of SCP-001's theorized effect. Be more specific of the common attributes. Like, make it clearer that the change towards being narrative is due to the 001 and not the tradition
The retirement proposal collection has been moved to another file location, which causes the SCP-001 designation to refer to itself. In this state, SCP-001 appears to be effectively contained; there is little evidence to suggest that it is capable of amplifying itself.
The collection of retirement proposals has been moved to another file location, causing the SCP-001 designation to refer to itself. In this state, SCP-001 appears to be effectively contained as there is little evidence to suggest that it is capable of amplifying itself.
Although SCP-001's current documentation was approved by O5 Council, there is no record of its creation.
Although SCP-001's current documentation was approved by O5 Council, no record of its creation exists.
Each proposal is identified by its respective code name, but details occasionally conflict with current documentation.
Each proposal is identified by its respective code name but details occasionally conflict with current documentation.
At this time, it appears that consensus reality aligns with the current SCP-001 document; it is to be considered tentatively valid until the extent of SCP-001's influence can be determined.
At this time, it appears that consensus reality aligns with the current SCP-001 document and it is to be considered tentatively valid until the extent of SCP-001's influence can be determined.
UPDATE 2001/07/01:
I don't think this update should be attributed to Jones. If you are trying to hint at the fact that Jones had been erased then It would make sense that someone else would come by and be like "Some nonexistent person named maria jones updated this. Please ignore" or that the anomaly is casting doubt on maria so she leaves the note, anomaly is like "please ignore" and she comes back to be like "ignore that message actually". Otherwise this is the note that creates the untrustworthy document thing I mentioned before
Despite this, there is no internal record of any legitimate edits to the SCP-001 document, implying that this report and its updates have always been part of the SCP-001 document, despite being written in response to the previous update; archived versions of the SCP-001 file confirm this.
This is a long sentence with many components. Split this apart
In the meantime, I am formally requesting that SCP-001 be reclassified as a minor infohazardous anomaly.
In the meantime, I am formally requesting that SCP-001 be reclassified as a minor infohazardous anomaly and assigned to myself. Assignment to Jones would make iteration 2 make sense
Contact me for details.
Contact me directly for details.
Iteration 2
Personnel possessing less than level 5 clearance are to be informed that SCP-001-A has never existed, and is the result of a hostile informational entity which has since been neutralized.
Personnel possessing less than level 5 clearance are to be informed that SCP-001-A has never existed and all references to the entity are the result of a hostile informational entity which has since been neutralized.
SCP-001 is an anomalous phenomenon affecting either (or both):
the Site-01 internal database and the memories of Site-01 personnel.
all other Foundation databases and the memories of all other Foundation personnel.
SCP-001 is an anomalous phenomenon affecting the Site-01 internal database and the memories of Site-01 personnel and/or all other Foundation databases and the memories of all other Foundation personnel.
Site-01 possesses no evidence outside of this document confirming the existence of SCP-001-A, whereas all other Foundation databases store alternate versions of these documents which corroborate its existence.
Site-01 possesses no additional evidence outside of this document confirming the supposed existence of SCP-001-A; all other Foundation databases beyond Site-01 possess evidence that corroborate SCP-001-A's existence at the Foundation.
Similarly, Site-01 personnel claim no knowledge of SCP-001-A, while over 80% of remaining personnel claim distinct memories of its name, image, and related documentation.
Similarly, Site-01 personnel claim to have no knowledge of SCP-001-A or the actions of SCP-001-A, while over 80% of remaining personnel in other Foundation sites claim distinct memories of its name, image, and related documentation.
Foundation databases, except for the Site-01 internal database, consistently suggest the following details:
Foundation databases, except for those within the Site-01 internal database, consistently suggest the following details of SCP-001-A:
Site-01 documents, however, suggest that RAISA does not have a Director position and that its associated responsibilities are typically assigned to the current O5-1.
Documents within the Site-01 internal database, however, suggest that RAISA does not have a Director position and that its associated responsibilities are typically assigned to the current O5-1.
A supposed image of SCP-001-A (as seen above), present in several documents, is actually an image of American Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm; this has led to speculation that SCP-001 has also either accessed or directly affected public historical records.
All images of SCP-001-A in the Site-01 internal database are actually images of American Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm (as seen above); this has led to speculation that SCP-001 has also either accessed or directly affected public historical records.
SCP-001 was discovered on 2001/07/02 after Site-01 database security systems detected two unauthorized updates to the SCP-001 file, which was previously used to store 'retirement proposals'.
This is why I think you should take Jones' name off two of the updates in iteration 1.
Until such a time that SCP-001-A makes contact with the Foundation, its nonexistence is to be assumed.
But they have documented some effects of the 001. Shouldn't it be that until it makes contact it is to be assumes hostile and/or out of containment?
Due to the scope of SCP-001's effect, I am re-designating the anomaly as Keter, effective immediately.
Perfect
Iteration 3
Containment Class: None
Under no circumstances is SCP-001 to be officially assigned an Object Class.
Shouldn't this be Keter? that is how the last one ended and it is pretty integral to the narrative that it uses its classification and designations to get power. In my opinion
Information directly concerning SCP-001 is to be limited to essential personnel, to prevent it from being conceptually associated with the designation that it amplifies.
##Don't they only realise this after it messes with the Keters? Otherwise it doesn't really make sense that they would make it appolyon after these procedures. If these are to be given after the keter events (like these were changed after the keter stuff happenned then the keter event stuff should be in past tense##
SCP-001 is a phenomenon affecting all Keter-class anomalies (collectively designated SCP-001-K), as well as their corresponding documentation, and the memories of Foundation personnel.
SCP-001 was a phenomenon affecting all Keter-class anomalies (collectively designated SCP-001-K), as well as their corresponding documentation and the memories of Foundation personnel.
SCP-001 amplifies the anomalous features of SCP-001-K such that they require more resources for effective containment.
Upon being designated as Keter, SCP-001 amplified the anomalous features of SCP-001-K such that they required more resources for effective containment.
Additionally, any documents and/or memories regarding elements of SCP-001-K are retroactively altered to justify this amplification.
Additionally, any documents and/or memories regarding elements of SCP-001-K were retroactively altered to justify SCP-001's amplification effect.
SCP-001's effects are functionally impossible to detect.
SCP-001's effects are functionally impossible to detect while they are manifesting.
Examples of this include unnecessary specificity of containment procedures, redaction of necessary information for containment, implications of unethical and/or excessive containment procedures, and nearly two thousand documented SCP-682 termination attempts.
Amazing lol
As a result, several conflicting causalities are implied to have occurred, even bringing the existence of numerous personnel into question.
As a result, several conflicting causalities are implied to have occurred, bringing the existence of numerous personnel into question.
After SCP-001's influence on SCP-001-K was recognized, SCP-001's object classification was revoked to prevent it from influencing itself.
more reason to write about the keter situation in past tense
NOTE: As directed by O5-1, personnel are to be informed that the above message was manufactured by SCP-001 to dissuade containment efforts. Personnel claiming the existence of a 'RAISA Director' are to be referred directly to O5-1 for an interview and subsequent amnestic treatment.
I love this. Genuinely loved this
EVENT-001-A
Add more of Jones in either describing this event or in the final iteration.
End of Iteration 3
Connect to iteration 4. The others had some final thing that made the next iteration make sense. This one ends with them thinking they should ignore Jones and doesn't really bridge into iteration 4
Iteration 4
Reconstructions of these informations are not possible; attempts to do soes may result in stresses, discomforts, and other infohazardsous
Reconstructions of these informations are not possible; attempts to do so may result in stresses, discomforts, and other infohazardous phenomenons
Due to the existential threats collectively posed by SCP-001-BETA, the Antimemetics Division is to explore options for removing the human ability to conceptualize or perceive primacy.
Due to the existential threats collectively posed by SCP-001-BETA, the Antimemetics Divisions are to explore options for removing the human ability to conceptualize or perceive primacy.
Through mechanisms and to extents which are not fully understood, any object, entity, or concept that is perceived to be the first element of an ordered set is altered such that it is perceived as uniquely distinct from all other elements in the set.
Through mechanisms and to extents which are not fully understood, any objects, entities, or concepts that are perceived to be the first element of an ordered set are altered such that they are perceived as uniquely distinct from all other elements in the sets.
This is assumed to be achieved through retroactive restructuring of reality, which causes the effect to be perceived as a shared dramatic nature that pervades all affected objects, concepts, and entities.
These effects are assumed to be achieved through retroactive restructuring of reality, causing the effect to be perceived as a shared dramatic nature that pervades all affected objects, concepts, and entities.
The vast majority of SCP-001-affected entities have only undergone minor alterations, due to the inherent significance of the number one that already causes them to be perceived as uniquely distinct.
The vast majority of SCP-001-affected entities have only undergone minor alterations due to the inherent significance of the number one, which causes them to be perceived as uniquely distinct.
However, due to the nature of human perceptibility and opinion, SCP-001 has warped reality into an exaggerated caricature of itself; all things perceived as 'the best', for any reason, have been altered so as to be 'better' than anything they can be effectively compared to.
However, due to the nature of human perceptibility and opinions, SCP-001 has warped reality into an exaggerated caricature of itself; all things perceived as 'the best', for any reason, have been altered so as to be 'better' than anything they can be effectively compared to. I just am unclear of the meaning in blue
Details concerning the discovery of SCP-001 and the events leading to its current state are highly variable and contradictory due to the abundance of reality-restructuring events that it has caused. The extent to which SCP-001 is subject to its own effect is unknown; it is speculated that SCP-001 has enhanced its own effect by being perceived as 'the most significant' anomaly.
Various its and singulars not in red
As such, one potentially viable solution has been selected: the concept of primacy is to be eliminated from human conception by introducing the number one to the anomaly which is contained within the RGU-𝕐 system. This process' potential detriment to humanity is unknown, as any prime-associated concepts, including unity, individuality, etc. are likely to also be removed from the Noosphere. It is unknown if civilization will be able to meaningfully continue or progress after such an event; all technology based on numeric systems is predicted to be functionally useless to humans, as well as most mathematics in general. Despite these risks, it has been deemed preferable to the annihilation of causality via conceptual narcissism.
This is a lot of exposition right away. I think it would work better to have a description of what is being voted on, the vote, and then this paragraph after as a summation of the vote and discussion or notice being sent to all personnel.
Iteration 5
Maria is back?? If you add more about her I'd love some more about how she escaped its influence since it didn't need to be latched to her to make her anomalous since she continued to be anomalous in iterations 3 and 4
If absolutely necessary, inquiries regarding this document are to be made to Dir. Jones. Additional procedures unnecessary.
This doesn't really add much. I think it should be removed
SCP-00101
You should make the Item number above into 001-1 if this is to be believed as a replacement identifier as part of containment and this should be in the conprocs so lazy researchers don't just refer to it as 001 as shorthand and cause hell
SCP-001-1 resemble Foundation documents, each one documenting a different iteration of SCP-001.
SCP-001-1 resembled a series of Foundation documents, each one documenting a different iteration of SCP-001.
At the same time that SCP-001-1 were uploaded, Dir. Jones became aware of the necessary measures for SCP-001's containment, and subsequently authored this document.
This is what should be expanded upon
DUNE
Description
SCP-XXXX is "Uncle Charlie's Toys and Games", an extradimensional location accessible to individuals fitting a certain criteria.
Individuals capable of accessing SCP-XXXX possess a number of shared attributes. SCP-XXXX's manifestation is more likely to occur if an individual:
SCP-XXXX is "Uncle Charlie's Toys and Games", an extradimensional location accessible only(?) to individuals that possess a number of shared attributes. If they share attributes but the list just makes it more likely then what goes into either set? What are the universal requirements and what increases the chance of event? SCP-XXXX's manifestation is more likely to occur if an individual:
Was forced to take responsibility typically befitting of an adult during their childhood
There is more clinical terminology you could use here but my mind is drawing a blank. I’ll go through some of my notes and get back to you.
Had few relationships with other children outside of their family
Had few extrafamilial relationships with other children outside
Has lived in a foster care system, or is adopted
Was raised by guardians unrelated by blood do only these options count or could it also be like kids raised by grandparents? Does that count as adoption?
Experienced the death of a family member or significant individual as a child
What counts as a significant individual? What counts as experience? Do they witness it or does it only have to happen?
Displays general uncertainty while recalling childhood memories
Experiences difficulty in recalling childhood memories. Yours is also fine but “general uncertainty” is vague. I have an awful memory so is that what you mean or are we talking like a general non-perfect memory?
SCP-XXXX manifestations occur on an individual basis, and the means by which the location makes itself known are personalized.
I like the personalized awareness but the “manifestations occur in an individual basis” doesn’t really make sense to me. Does that just mean they occur only to the individual’s perception, nearby the individual, or like they occur when the individual wants them to?
However, a general pattern between all accounts of SCP-XXXX manifestation has been established.
An individual fitting the profile described above will be made aware of SCP-XXXX through a variety of means, including television commercials, web-based advertisements, newspaper ads, and appearances in dreams.. These advertisements will increase in frequency in an attempt to coerce the individual into traveling to SCP-XXXX.
However, a general pattern between all accounts of SCP-XXXX manifestation has been established; the subject targeted(?) by SCP-XXXX will be made aware of the anomaly through a variety of modalities, including television commercials, web-based advertisements, newspaper ads, and appearances in dreams. These advertisements will increase in frequency in an attempt to coerce the subject into traveling to SCP-XXXX. just connecting the threads to tell the story because having them separated made the first sentence feel disconnected
These materials are self-containing
These materials are self-obscuring or some other more SCP word. Memetic?
This property applies to copies of SCP-XXXX related promotional materials such as photographs or recordings, making complete archival of them impossible.
This property extends to representations and imitations of SCP-XXXX related promotional materials, such as photographs or recordings, making complete archival of the anomaly impossible.
SCP-XXXX's location is relative to the individual it is targeting, and directions to SCP-XXXX will be listed on its advertisements.
SCP-XXXX will manifest in a location typically frequented by/nearby the residence of the subject and will provide precise directions towards the manifestation on all of its advertisements. again just being more specific on what you mean by relative
Upon examination by unaffected personnel, these directions are nonsensical and often lead off-road or to undeveloped land.
When examined by anyone other than the subject, the directions will appear to be nonsensical and often lead off-road or to undeveloped land.
However, if the targeted individual successfully follows them, they will find SCP-XXXX.
Not necessary. This is inferred.
SCP-XXXX will often be situated in a remote outdoor area away from roads and other people.
No change but this does contradict some prior stuff. This implies that the subject should be near an area like this and probably multiple if the Foundation can claim that it’s location is dependant upon the subject. Connect this to the subject.
The exterior of the anomaly resembles a conventional storefront, with a small parking lot and sidewalk in front of it. A roadside sign featuring SCP-XXXX's logo and SCP-XXXX-A is positioned near the edge of the parking lot.
I believe this should be right near the top of the description. We learn what the -A is before the anomaly itself.
SCP-XXXX is only accessible to the targeted individual, and attempts to access the location while others are present have failed.
What does a failure look like? Is it like a force field situation or a mental block?
SCP-XXXX's interior extends beyond the limits of the location's exterior dimensions. Due to limited research opportunities, measurements of this space have not been recorded.
The interior of SCP-XXXX is far larger than its exterior; however, accurate measurements have thus far not been recorded due to limited exploration possibilities. define limited research opportunities
The floor level of SCP-XXXX is a dilapidated toy store, most of which has been fire-damaged.
The floor level of SCP-XXXX resembles a dilapidated toy store that has experienced heavy fire-damage. By specifying the floor level I wonder about the other floors and why we don’t get told about them here
Products found in SCP-XXXX do not exist in baseline reality. They appear to be mass-produced, bearing the names of non-existent companies, pieces of media, and intellectual properties. Despite this, products recovered from SCP-XXXX have not demonstrated any anomalous effects beyond their existence, and function as ordinary toys.
Products found within SCP-XXXX do not exist in baseline reality what does this mean? Are they violating laws of physics? Extraneous to reality? Or do you just mean that they are unique to SCP-XXXX? and appear to be mass-produced. They all bear the names of unidentified they clearly exist *here* though. So I think it needs to say more specifically what this means in context companies, pieces of media, and intellectual properties. However, apart from their physical existence and source, products recovered from SCP-XXXX have not demonstrated any anomalous effects and function as ordinary toys. Are they able to be compared to ordinary toys? I was picturing like wacky devices but this makes me think they are just like yo-yos with an unknown brand
While inside SCP-XXXX, individuals will recall feeling at peace, and demonstrating unusually ecstatic and childish behavior, such as playing with products for extended periods of time or singing to themselves.
While within SCP-XXXX, individuals will feel a sense of peace peace and ecstatic behaviour kind of oppose. Does one occur before the other? Or do you just mean they forget about stressors and worries?and will demonstrate unusually unusual like manic or just unusual for the specific subject? ecstatic and childish behavior, such as playing with products for extended periods of time how much time am I allowed to play with toys or sing before I’m deemed childish? or singing to themselves.
Following time spent in SCP-XXXX, the targeted individual will be subject to a form of retrograde amnesia, where the majority of memories from before the individual's 18th birthday become completely lost. The process by which this occurs is unknown, as all individuals report feeling drawn towards a large wooden door before waking up hours later in a nearby outdoor location, unable to recall further events. SCP-XXXX will have disappeared, and the individual will be unable to access the location again.
I feel like we skipped a step here of talking about how they exit the anomaly? Does it happen after a certain action, length of time, etc? All subjects who have entered SCP-XXXX have reported feeling drawn towards a large wooden door where is the door? Inside? Or like is it a mental door like being drawn to the light? before waking up hours later in a nearby outdoor location nearby in their frame to where they live or do they remember where the SCP was? If so, I’m just curious of why they wake up nearby to where the SCP was and not like on the ground directly where it was. SCP-XXXX will have disappeared, and the individual will be unable to access the location again What does this mean? Does the building remain and they can no longer enter or is there just a plot of land they can’t walk on like holy ground and a demon?. If they are “unable to recall further events” then how do we have these descriptions?. Shortly after leaving SCP-XXXX, the subject will begin to lose their memories from before their 18th birthday as a form of retrograde amnesia; the process by which this occurs is currently unknown.
As of 2020/10/12, a Foundation-led exploration of SCP-XXXX has been conducted following a subject successfully accessing the location. See Addendum.XXXX.1 for details.
On 2020/10/12, the Foundation was made aware of an SCP-XXXX manifestation and initiated an exploration of the anomaly State here that they used someone who met the criteria. See Addendum.XXXX.1 for details.
http://kontainer.djkakt.us/sigma:j-dune-vi
Special Containment Procedures
Due to the nature of the anomaly, full containment of SCP-XXXX is unfeasible1. Law enforcement channels and web-crawlers are to monitor2 for SCP-XXXX related terminology3. Subjects who have accessed SCP-XXXX are to be interviewed and amnesticized4 upon identification.
Presently, all information within this document has been obtained from posthumous accounts of individuals who have accessed SCP-XXXX.
Presently, all information within this document has been obtained from posthumous accounts of individuals who have accessed SCP-XXXX5.
Description
SCP-XXXX is "Uncle Charlie's Toys and Games", an extradimensional location accessible only to individuals that possess a number of shared attributes.
SCP-XXXX's manifestation is more likely to occur if an individual:
SCP-XXXX is "Uncle Charlie's Toys and Games", an extradimensional location accessible only to individuals that possess a number of shared attributes; although a manifestation increases in likelihood for individualys that possess more of the common attributes6. A manifestation of SCP-XXXX may only occur if an individual:
The means by which SCP-XXXX makes itself known are personalized. However, a general pattern between all accounts of SCP-XXXX manifestation has been established.
The means by which SCP-XXXX makes itself known are personalized to its target; however, a general pattern between all accounts of SCP-XXXX manifestation has been established.
SCP-XXXX advertisements often feature the store's mascot — SCP-XXXX-A. SCP-XXXX-A is 'Uncle Charlie' — a rotund, horned humanoid with hairless, red skin, dressed in a black and white striped suit and top hat. These illustrations portray SCP-XXXX-A as a jovial character, playing with toys or outstretching its hand towards the reader.
SCP-XXXX advertisements often feature the store's mascot — 'Uncle Charlie' — which has been designated as SCP-XXXX-A. SCP-XXXX-A is a rotund, horned humanoid with hairless, red skin, dressed in a black-and-white striped suit and top hat. Illustrations on advertisements for SCP-XXXX portray SCP-XXXX-A as a jovial character, playing with toys or outstretching its hand towards the reader in an invitational manner.
SCP-XXXX will manifest in a location nearby the residence of the subject and will provide precise directions towards the manifestation on all of its advertisements. These directions are nonsensical, but if followed correctly, will allow the subject to access SCP-XXXX. The exterior of the anomaly resembles a conventional storefront and is only accessible to the targeted individual. Attempts to access the location while others are present have resulted in failure of the anomaly to manifest.
SCP-XXXX will manifest in a location nearby the residence of the subject and will provide precise directions towards the manifestation on all of its advertisements. These directions are nonsensical, but, if followed correctly, will allow anyone matching the selection criteria to access SCP-XXXX. The exterior of the anomaly resembles a conventional storefront and is only accessible to individuals fitting its criteria. Attempts to access the location while others were present have resulted in the anomaly failing to manifest.
SCP-XXXX resembles a dilapidated toy store that has experienced heavy fire-damage. Products found in the anomaly are entirely unique to SCP-XXXX and appear to be mass-produced. They all bear the names of unidentified companies, pieces of media, and intellectual properties. However, apart from their physical existence and source, products recovered from SCP-XXXX have not demonstrated any anomalous effects and can be compared to ordinary toys.
SCP-XXXX's interior resembles a dilapidated toy store that has experienced heavy fire-damage. Products found inside of the anomaly are entirely unique to SCP-XXXX and appear to be mass-produced; they all bear the names of unidentified companies, pieces of media, and intellectual properties. However, apart from their physical existence and source, products recovered from SCP-XXXX have not demonstrated any anomalous effects and can be compared to ordinary toys in function and design.
While inside SCP-XXXX, individuals will feel demonstrate ecstatic and childish behavior, such as playing with products for extended periods of time or singing to themselves. Following time spent in SCP-XXXX, the targeted individual will be subject to a form of retrograde amnesia, where the majority of memories from before the individual's 18th birthday become completely lost. The exact process by which this occurs is unknown. All subjects recall feeling drawn towards a large wooden door within the anomaly before waking up hours later in the same location outside of the store, where SCP-XXXX will have disappeared. Subjects will be unable to recall events that occurred following seeing the door. There have been no recorded instances of an individual accessing SCP-XXXX twice.
While inside SCP-XXXX, individuals will demonstrate ecstatic and childish behavior, such as playing with products for extended periods of time or singing juvenile songs to themselves. Following time spent in SCP-XXXX, the targeted individual will be subject to a form of retrograde amnesia, where the majority of memories from before the individual's 18th birthday become completely lost. The exact process by which this occurs is unknown. All subjects have recalled feeling drawn towards a large wooden door within the anomaly before waking up hours later in the same location outside of the store, where SCP-XXXX will have disappeared. Subjects will be unable to recall events that occurred following seeing the door. There have been no recorded instances of an individual accessing SCP-XXXX twice.
As this would be the first opportunity for the Foundation to directly research SCP-XXXX, Lee Boletto was promptly conscripted into the Foundation's internal command structure as a D-Class personnel, under the designation D-680.
This is pretty cold in the name of research on a non-dangerous anomaly. I've given some suggestions above to make it so that the thing manifests according to the target but can be accessed by anyone meeting the selection criteria. Up to you but I just think this is exceptionally cold.
Researcher Starse: What houses did you grow up in?
Researcher Starse: Where did you grow up? What was your childhood home like?
Overall
I honestly love this skip and I'm mad for not thinking of it first. It's everything I love about series 1 but done well! The biggest things are just the things I mentioned already. Just clarifying things and dealing with weird structure and grammar. But I think it's nearly there and I would +1 it even if it were posted like this (although it would be a happier +1 with some fixes)
NOT_A_SEAGULL
http://topia.wikidot.com/the-bird-machine
Special Containment Procedures
Area XXXX is established near SCP-XXXX to facilitate containment. The area surrounding SCP-XXXX has been demarcated with a barbed wire fence. No civilians are allowed to enter this area.
Area XXXX has been7 established near SCP-XXXX to facilitate containment. The perimeter surrounding SCP-XXXX has been demarcated with a barbed wire fence8. No civilians are to be granted entry into either the area surrounding SCP-XXXX or Area-XXXX9.
On a biweekly basis, a semitrailer truck must be driven by a Foundation operative to the gate of SCP-XXXX. Then, the operative must wait for SCP-XXXX-1 to load avians or equivalent into the truck's trailer. After the truck has returned to Area XXXX, the resulting biological material may either be incinerated or transported to Foundation sites for use in containing other SCP objects.
On a biweekly basis, a semitrailer truck must be driven by a Foundation operative to the gate of SCP-XXXX. add some action here. We end last sentence by driving through the gate of what I have interpreted as the containment zone's barbed wire fencing. Then we have the operative wait for it to be loaded up. Where does the operative park the vehicle once inside the gate? It just feels like there needs to be a path here of "The operative is then to park the vehicle at one of the many loading docks and signal to the SCP-XXXX-1 instances." or something. Then, the operative must wait for SCP-XXXX-1 to load avians, or equivalent, into the truck's trailer. Same thing here. I believe in conprocs being extremely specific because they are procedures. Just a line like "Once the loading dock instances signal that the truck is full, the agent must drive the truck directly to Area-XXXX." After the truck has returned to Area XXXX, the resulting biological material must either be incinerated or transported to Foundation sites for use in containing other SCP objects.
Description
SCP-XXXX are a set of assembly lines and machining equipment contained within an industrial site in the Selva de Irati, Navarra, Spain. Specifically, Markings covering the building indicate that it was built for the production of avian animals. Of note is SCP-XXXX's remote location, making it impractical to operate as a factory through standard methods. SCP-XXXX involves several anomalous machines; for instance, an acid bath capable of converting any matter to bird organs, and a set of robotic arms capable of seamlessly concatenating these parts into an organic lifeform. The remainder are non-anomalous assembly machines. These machines are capable of being operated by non-anomalous humans and SCP-XXXX-1.
SCP-XXXX are a set of assembly lines and machining equipment contained within an industrial site in the10 Selva de Irati, Navarra, Spain. Of note is SCP-XXXX's remote location, which makes it impractical to operate as a factory through standard methods11. Markings covering the building indicate that it was specifically built for the production of avian animals12. SCP-XXXX involves several anomalous machines; for instance, SCP-XXXX includes an acid bath capable of converting any matter to bird organs and a set of robotic arms capable of seamlessly concatenating these parts into organic lifeforms. The remainder of the components are non-anomalous assembly machines. These machines are each capable of being operated by non-anomalous humans and SCP-XXXX-1.
When objects are placed into the receiving ends of SCP-XXXX, they will be processed into living avian specimens. SCP-XXXX is able to produce a variety of bird species; while in Foundation containment, it has been observed to produce game birds, gulls, and birds of prey. Thus far, no pattern has been observed.
When objects are placed into the receiving ends of SCP-XXXX, they will be processed into living avian specimens. While in Foundation containment, SCP-XXXX has been shown to be able to produce a variety of bird species; in particular, SCP-XXXX has been observed to produce game birds, gulls, and birds of prey. Thus far, no pattern has been observed.
SCP-XXXX is staffed by 25 or more instances of SCP-XXXX-1. SCP-XXXX-1 are similar in appearance to non-anomalous humans; however, they do not have eyes, and their faces constantly display an expression of grimace. In addition, vivisections of SCP-XXXX-1 instances have revealed that they have no internal organs and are composed entirely of an organic paste. When removed from the site containing SCP-XXXX, SCP-XXXX-1 instances will rapidly decompose into this paste.
^13SCP-XXXX is staffed by 25 or more instances of SCP-XXXX-1 at all times. SCP-XXXX-1 are similar in appearance to non-anomalous humans; however, they lack eyes and their faces constantly display a grimacing expression. Vivisections of SCP-XXXX-1 instances have revealed that they also lack internal organs and are composed entirely of an organic paste. When removed from the site containing SCP-XXXX, SCP-XXXX-1 instances will rapidly decompose into this paste.
SCP-XXXX-1 instances can only speak using a selection of pre-determined phrases, rendering them unable to communicate beyond their limited vocabularity. As such, their sentience is debated.
SCP-XXXX-1 instances can only speak using a selection of pre-determined phrases, rendering them unable to communicate beyond their limited vocabulary. As such, their sentience is debated.
So far, SCP-XXXX-1 has been observed to only use the following phrases.
So far, SCP-XXXX-1 instances have14 been observed to only use the following phrases.
This was said in a melancholic tone, in contrast to the usual jovial tone.
This was said in a melancholic tone, contrasting their usually jovial demeanor.
Sub-Reports
In addition to the chamber containing SCP-XXXX
We haven't really discussed a chamber yet. Only a barbed wire fence surrounding the whole area. Are the SCP-XXXX components also in a containment chamber of their own?
In addition to the chamber containing SCP-XXXX, the aforementioned industrial site encompasses several administrative offices. These offices appear to have been used for several months prior to the discovery of SCP-XXXX. There are fake computers in this office; they are nonfunctional blocks of plastic with tinted glass engraved into them. This strategy is used to imitate other appliances in the office, including the copy machine, the coffee maker and the lighting system.
In addition to the chamber containing SCP-XXXX, the aforementioned industrial site encompasses several administrative offices that appear to have been used for several months prior to the discovery of SCP-XXXX. These offices contain a series of imitations of common office machinery, such as fake computers, copy machines, coffee makers, and lighting systems. These imations are made out of thick plastic and do not function; however, the tinted glass used in the place of screens have been etched and engraved to look like they are running properly.
I am contacting you regarding how business has become time is money. Bird factory is estimated to produce irregarding 10,000 units between September 2020 and August 2002. I think we want to make money here; I thought this was obvious?
Don't waste any more of our time, cut the slack, Jack!
- Rodney
Beautiful
On September 23rd, 2020, a vehicle drove to the industrial site containing SCP-XXXX. The object was designed in the facsimile of a tanker truck, despite the fact that it very clearly had undergone several modifications, making it more circular in shape. Three quadrupedal entities exited the spacecraft, leading several instances of SCP-XXXX-1 into the factory.
On September 23rd, 2020, an unidentified vehicle drove to the industrial site containing SCP-XXXX. Eye witnesses described the unknown vehicle as a facsimile of a tanker truck, despite the fact that it very clearly had undergone several modifications making it more circular in shape. Upon ariving at the loading docks, Three quadrupedal entities exited the spacecraft, leading several instances of SCP-XXXX-1 into the factory.
ITS A BAD IDEA
http://scpdsandbox.wikidot.com/newskip-3
Special Containment Procedures
SCP-XXXX is held in a standard containment cell at Site-90. All changes in SCP-XXXX's form are to be reported to the acting HMCL Supervisor. SCP-XXXX's cell is to be recorded via CCTV surveillance at all times. Footage is to be reviewed should SCP-XXXX make any changes to its physical form.
Testing on the object is currently suspended. Interaction with the object is forbidden.
Euclid with throw it in a box and watch ConProcs? Theres nothing else? What about compressing it or stretching it out? If mass doesn't change then you can compress it easily and stretch it to make it super light and transportable. And they don't know its origin. How do they deal with possible future instances?
Description
SCP-XXXX is an amorphous mass1 of polymer, plastic, and a currently unidentified elastic substance.
SCP-XXXX is a 4m x 3m x 2m amorphous mass of polymer, plastic, and a currently unidentified elastic substance15.
SCP-XXXX is able to periodically alter its physical properties, including size, shape, color, and weight2.
SCP-XXXX is able to periodically alter its physical properties, including size, shape, color, and weight, although its mass remains consistent16.
SCP-XXXX is also able to fragment itself into separate constitute parts, which each retain its original anomalous properties.
Do these also retain original mass? If it was important above then I think its important here. That would be super interesting to me
a set of plastic silverware, paper plates, and napkins, arranged in a circular fashion around the perimeter of the containment cell.
a set of plastic silverware, paper plates, and napkins. Objects were arranged in a circular fashion around the perimeter of the containment cell17.
Bos taurus,
Consider adding a footnote to common name?
Close study of SCP-XXXX is difficult, as individuals within a 2-meter radius of SCP-XXXX for a prolonged period of time undergo a variety of health issues, including severe headaches, nausea, partial blindness, total blindness, and subconjunctival bleeding.
Close study of SCP-XXXX is difficult as individuals within a 2-meter radius of SCP-XXXX for a prolonged period of time undergo a variety of health issues, including severe headaches, nausea, partial blindness, total blindness, and subconjunctival bleeding.
Further study on the matter has been deemed unimportant by Site-90 research personnel.
Further study on SCP-XXXX has been deemed a low priority by Site-90 research personnel as a result of the measured benefits and risks of study.
Following periods of testing, SCP-XXXX's transmutations typically increase in complexity. As such, SCP-XXXX is hypothesized to possess a limited awareness of its surroundings; however, standard sentience/sapience tests have yielded inconclusive results. As a measure of precaution, interaction with the object is severely limited at this time.
Throughout testing of its anomalous properties, SCP-XXXX's transmutations were determined to be increasing in complexity18. As such, SCP-XXXX is hypothesized to possess a limited awareness of its surroundings; however, standard sentience/sapience tests have yielded inconclusive results. As a measure of precaution, interaction with the object is severely limited at this time19.
SCP-XXXX was brought to the Foundation's attention after McDonald's employee Brian Medding was found dead by coworkers on the morning of August 22, 1993. Medding was found in the building's walk-in freezer with the doors locked from the inside. A rudimentary barricade had been constructed out of frozen food products within the freezer, presumably by Medding prior to death.
SCP-XXXX was brought to the Foundation's attention after McDonald's employee Brian Medding was found dead by coworkers on the morning of August 22, 1993 in the building's walk-in freezer with the doors locked from the inside. A rudimentary barricade had been constructed out of frozen food products within the freezer, presumably by Medding prior to death.
Medding's cause of death was determined to be internal hemorrhaging of the brain, although there were no signs of blunt force trauma. The body had not undergone standard decomposition due to the low temperature of the environment, but Medding was presumed to have been dead for several days before being discovered.
Medding's cause of death was determined to be the result of a brain hemorrhage20, although there were no signs of blunt force trauma. At the time of discovery, Medding was presumed to have been dead for several days before being discovered; although the body had not undergone standard decomposition due to the low temperature of the environment.
During a sweep of the building, agents reported intense headaches and nosebleeds while inside a storage closet directly adjacent to the building's freezer. All items were removed and individually analyzed.
During a sweep of the building, agents reported intense headaches and nosebleeds while inside a storage closet directly adjacent to the building's freezer - prompting all items to be removed and individually analyzed.
It was determined that a discarded McDonald's employee uniform was the source of the effect.
How did they determine this if they didn't know the effects yet? Was it like a scanner or some chemical analysis or something?
Overall
Genuinely loved it. It was spooky and goofy in the perfect way. Only narrative critique things are that the final emails are very prose-esque and don't feel like someone warning their friend. Could do with some restructuring to feel more urgent. Also, the emails don't make sense to me in relation to the body being found days later. I might just be dumb, but I feel like they would have checked on Brian right away after this. Unless the anomaly took brian's form, but I didn't get that from the article. Unless it's meant to be that the anomaly was also the one emailing people but your description says it is getting more complex when responding to emails and stuff would be more complex than anything else you listed.
AYUMI
http://kaktuskontainer.wikidot.com/kaito-s-daily-life
Because this is long and a tale so I dont want to take over from you I am just going to go through the whole thing and leave my random thoughts and feelings. Take whatever you want!
Agent Kaito Tamura was at Hall 12 in Site-40, carrying out his standard guarding routine. In the hall, He checks around the containment cells, the D-class dorms, and research facilities for any signs of anomalous activity to report on. Such as missing anomalies, holes in the wall, signs of aggression, among other signs.
Can you spend more time on these duties and things he sees as "standard" and "routine"? This will build the world around Kaito and help me understand him as a person and see what he lives like. Doesn't need to be very long, just more descriptive like "Agent Kaito Tamura strolled casually through Hall 12, marking his third time completing his assigned guard route at Site-40 that morning. Like any other day, he walked past the numerous containment cells, D-class dorms, and research facilities and checked for any obvious signs of anomalous activity to report on - missing anomalies, holes in the wall, signs of aggression, and a handful of other signs."
The hall was mostly empty, save for a few guards stationed at their place, whom Kaito greeted. The phrase "Hall 12" was placed on the clean wall, and lined with doors. He placed his ear on the anomalies door to hear anything, but, as usual, it was silent.
Changed some grammar things
It was his usual routine. He occasionally got bored while pacing the halls but he usually didn’t mind.
He yearned, like many agents did, for a little more action in his life at the Foundation. Maybe a containment breach, being able to see an MTF contain an anomaly back into its cell. He thought that he might like to see that.
But no, He never got to see that. Though a big part of him was glad because at least he’s still alive. That’s all that matters.
I'm interested in why he wants to see this? What is his background? Did he used to be a cop and misses the action or did he work a normal job and now just daydreams? Did he join the foundation in the hope of living a more exciting life? These are the kinds of things I am left wondering about
But Kaito yawned and took off his combat helmet, feeling his black hair sticking to his forehead because of sweat. He went over to an empty room to take a break. Stretching his strained muscles, he decided to go on his phone for a little while.
We talked about making this more nichijou-ish so one way you could do that would be to put a line break here and treat the next little section from his perspective of his fantasy. Take him out of the dreary Site-40 and make it feel like he is in a fantasy setting now (from his imagination while playing the game). That would be some cool characterization and would make the janitor waking him up more of an impactful moment.
He pulled out his phone and opened his favourite game, a collectible RPG. Reaching for his headphones, he remembered that they had broken and that he was going to buy new ones later. So, instead, he simply lowered the volume slightly to make sure no one could hear him.
Suggested grammar changes
The game openned to a prompt for his daily summon.
Suggested reword
“Good Morning Master” The woman on the screen greeted. “What brings you here today”.
Kaito smiled slightly, a nice little break from a mind-numbing job. He sat down and tried to hide his phone with the handkerchief he was carrying around.
Who was he hiding his phone from? Was there someone else there?
“Ok, who's the new summon for today,” he thought as he went over to his new mission.
He pondered though, Would it be nice to have an exciting life like these characters; going around fighting monsters, helping those in need, and dedicating themselves to the goal they are assigned to.
I want to know more about the game and charcters for this to make sense. Right now, I have not been told that the characters are exciting. For all I know, it could be a summon game about summoning office workers.
Like those MTFs he sees occasionally, being admired and being able to combat unspeakable monsters………
This is where I would put the other line break for if you go through my suggestion of making the game section more visual and feel more alive.
“Hey, you!” A janitor called out. “What are you doing?”
Kaito nearly dropped his phone when heard the janitor calling. He closed his phone, put it in his pockets, and faced the janitor. His face was completely red as he stood up.
Awesome! Although could use more description of him fumbling with his phone
“What are you doing here kid?” The janitor asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
Personally, it makes little sense for the janitor to be telling off a guard. Although if you describe the janitor a little I might believe it more. Has he been there a long time? Is he like the head admin of janitorial staff? I think someone in the scpd discord has a whole janitor heirarchy in their author page you could pull in.
“Ohhhh…… I was a-about to g-go to back to work” Kaito replied, continuing to blush.
“Oh god, what am I supposed to do?!” Kaito thought as his eyes darted around the room.
“Then what’s with all the noise here?”
Kaito froze at the mention of noises
“Oh! That's uh… That was nothing!”
Kaito immediately grabbed his helmet and exited the room he was in. The Janitor furrowed his brows at the man before deciding to continue his cleaning.
Kaito ran out of the hall and into the bathroom, which was thankfully empty. Going over to the sink, he took a deep breath as he tried to calm down.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit”
Kaito lifted his head and looked at himself in the mirror. He saw that his face was flushed red, contrasting his fair skin, and he was sweating profusely.
“Ok Kaito relax, Just take a deep breath and return back to back to the hall, It’s that easy.”
He took a deep inhale and then exhaled. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale.
Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale.
Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale.
I actually really like these inhales and exhales. It sounds very real like a panic attack. But why is he having a panic attack if he's a guard?
"Excuse me, sir" Kaito felt someone tapping on his shoulder. He turned to see a researcher looking at him
"Are you ok?" The man in front of him asked.
"Oh shit not again". Kaito thought as he looked at the middle-aged man in front of him.
"Uhhhhhh…Sorry I was just.." He tried to find an excuse so he can leave "I was just a… fixing myself "
He saw that the researcher tilted his head before nodding and heading into one of the stalls.
Kaito soon ran out of the bathroom and stopped right outside the bathroom door.
"Jesus, What's wrong with me today" he thought as he put his helmet back on. "Guess I should go back to work now and forget about it."
I think Kaito needs more time to correct his anxiety attack before just being like "Whelp. Guess I gotta go back to work now!" I just think you should give him some time to compose himself at his locker or on a bench or something
Kaito left Hall-12 to examine the next one, trying to get his mind off what happened earlier.
Instead of describing where he is leaving, tell me where he is going. Since he went hall-12 to the break room to bathroom, so it's not clear that he is in hall-12 anymore. So it's not as necessary to say he is leaving hall-12.
Kaito collapsed onto his bed, as soon as he got back to his room. He smiled as he felt the soft mattress on his body, a nice time to relax after a long day of walking. He put his earphones on his bedside table
We skipped a lot to get here. What about the rest of his day? How did we get from hall-12 to here? In a character study you would usually at least make a slight statement of movement since this is a slice of life study of this character in the grand scheme of their life. It's like how studio Ghibli shows characters walking between destinations in short little scenes instead of cutting directly there. It makes the scene feel alive. And weren't his headphones broken?
His room was cozy, to say the least, In the blank wall of his dorm, were some posters of some games he played, photos of him and his family, and some foundation documents he placed on the wall for him to remember. It's mostly empty, with only a bed, a bedside table, a desk and chair, a closet, and an attached bathroom.
What are the posters of and what documents is he studying? Is this for his normal job that he should already know or is he moving to other duties/routes? Why is he learning more things for his normal route?
Kaito stopped and pulled out his phone and continue playing his game again. Starting off where he left off, he continued the current quest: Trying to slay a dragon.
continuing the fantasy descriptions you could put a page break here and then describe the next section, again, like it was a fantasy world and his imagination is running free while he plays
"Take this" the man in the white armor shouted as he grabbed his flaming swords and charged at the creature.
Kaito smiled as the man managed to slaughter the dragon. He didn’t know why but he always felt happy whenever he saw the man. Seeing the man whenever he takes his helmet off, the idea of holding his strong arms…
Another page break and back to reality
Then he heard a knock on the door, so pausing his game, he went over to see who it was.
When he opened his door, and he felt his heart dropped when he saw the janitor from earlier.
“Excuse me, sir,” the janitor said, “But you dropped your ID card.”
Kaito just froze when he heard he nearly lost his ID.
“Oh, sorry about that. Guess I was a little careless.” He replied in a shaky voice as he grabbed his card.
“Anyways, I was wondering about all those noises earlier, you know the ones on your little phone.”
“Fuck, He’s on to me”
Looking around, Kaito blocked the doorway with his arms, ensuring the janitor doesn't see his game posters.
"Jesus I really shouldn't have played that game earlier"
"Oh those noises, I was just watching an ani-I mean a video I found"
He thought it was an awkward sight, A tall guy in full combat uniform talking to a slightly shorter janitor.
He can see the janitor eyeing him. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK….
"So yeah sorry about that" Kaito replied but his mind was going haywire at this point
"God what should I do"
"I should have just waited"
"What's he gonna do"
"Well, Just don't do those things again" The janitor replied before leaving to clean up the next dorm over.
Don't do what things? Why was the janitor at his dorm? MAybe make this conversation happen while the janitor grabs Kaito's garbage? I just need more to visualize this interaction and understand why the janitor is being so mean to Kaito
Kaito breathed a sigh of relief as he closed his door. His otaku hobbies were nearly exposed. God, He should be more careful next time. Thank god He kept it safe.
That or the janitor wasn't very interested at all.
Either way, Kaito felt pretty dirty, so he went over to the attached bathroom to finally take a shower
Kaito breathed in and out as lifted the barbells in his arms. The gym was jam-packed again today and he wanted to get enough training as possible.
Often times, Kaito will go to the nearby gym once a week to get his muscles ready. His somewhat muscular body shined with sweat as continued lifting the barbells in his arms.
Soon his arms felt strained and he soon dropped the barbells to the ground. He went over to the seat near the showers to take a break and rest his swollen muscles.
He looked around the gym, seeing them doing their usual workout routine. Some continued their training while others like Kaito just simply rested before going back to working out.
Kaito grabbed his bag from below the bench and grabbed his water bottle to take a sip. As he sat there drinking, another man entered the gym area. Kaito finished drinking, curious to see who it was, and felt his heart sank when he saw who the man was.
"Fuck, It's Commander Grant" He thought as the tall, tan, muscular man went over to the lockers.
God, Please Don't see me, Please Don't see me, please don't see me
Kaito hid his face from the Grant, who simply walked past him and into the locker room. Kaito sighed in relief as he saw Grant close the door behind him.
Kaito walked over to the treadmill, deciding to continue his exercise routine.
"Alright time for a run." He said as hopped on the treadmill.
Setting the speed to low, he began to lightly jog. He took a deep breath and felt himself
I've left my comments throughout but the big things I believe could use work are grammar and sentence structure, experience vs description, and pacing. Think of a character study as a look at a specific part of someone's life. So far nothing especially interesting has happenned so I can't really talk about pacing. HOWEVER, when something does happen, I would want to see it contrast to Kaito's life. A good example of character study in an action oriented way would be Sean of the Dead. In that movie, they first show a typical day of Sean's life from waking up through going to bed. Then, when things start going crazy, it all gets contrasted against what we saw of his normal life. This way, the action is put through the lens of Sean and we learn more about Sean by seeing how he reacts and responds to the new situation. That is what your character study should really be doing. Let me know what Kaito is like on a typical day so that when he experiences some big event we can see him respond and grow. That is the beauty of a character study.
RALLISTON
http://scpdsandbox.wikidot.com/ontokinetics-part-2
Conprocs
sheworth, Asheworth
Makes it sound like they are saying she worth. I would just ether start the fade at worth or do Asheworth twice to tell the reader how to pronounce it to get your intended effect |
A buzzing, drilling sound filled his head as a women's voice entered his ears.
I struggle to picture this. Are you like describing the ringing in the ears after a trauma effect? Might consider something more like: |
With the blinding white light leaving his eyes, Daniel Asheworth stood up from the rocky ground he had been laying on for what he approximated to be a long time, judging by the overwhelming feeling of not being able to move entering his spine.
Is the light in his eyes, did something happen to move it, or did he like do something about it? | Daniel Asheworth rubbed his eyes to adjust to the blinding white light descending upon him and stood up from the rocky ground he had been laying on. Judging by the overwhelming feeling of not being able to move entering his spine | this piece makes little sense to me. Are you saying he is in too much pain to move or that he can actually feel that he can’t move in his spine? |
Upon further inspection, the place seemed to be no different from the floor he was sitting on just seconds ago; the cave the man found himself into was a rather small one, extending merely 10 meters in both directions, with the ceiling standing approximately 4 meters tall.
Im confused by the first bit. He’s looking around at where he was on the ground and saying it’s similar to where he was sitting. But it’s the same exact floor, right? |
Jessie Rivera replied harshly, getting up from the ground where Daniel was just moments ago.
Jessie Rivera replied harshly, getting up from the ground where Daniel had sat just moments ago.
Her purple, drilling eyes looked at him, attempting to understand if a memory loss was even possible here. Her psychologist mind was working at its fullest.
Her purple eyes drilled at him as she attempted to discern if memory loss was a real possibility here. Her mind strained to recall her training as a psychologist as she explored all possibilities of Daniel’s question.
the man answered, backing out a few steps, nearly tripping on the bits of the crypt's floor, clearly present within that of the cave.
the man answered, backing out a few steps and nearly tripping on the bits of the crypt's floor that protruded clearly within the cave floor.
She looked at the man, with a small, almost unnoticeable spark of happiness lurking in her eyes.
She looked at the man with a small, almost unnoticeable spark of happiness lurking in her eyes.
"Oh," the man replied as he extended his arm into the left pocket of his jacket, looking for something. "Well, it… it looks like we're not getting out of here anytime soon," Asheworth said, taking out a half-broken device from his clothing, with a few elements of the screen falling to the ground.
"Well," the man replied, extending his arm into the left pocket of his jacket and digging around for something. "it looks like we're not getting out of here anytime soon." He took out a half-broken device from his clothing, spilling elements of the screen onto to the ground below. ||This device sounds fully broken not half broken. And what do you mean by “elements of the screen”?||
Rivera said as she began to search her bag for the potentially broken phone.
Rivera began searching through her bag for her own potentially broken phone.
Though the search through sandwiches and project notes was not an easy one, after half a minute she found what she had been looking for.
Tossing aside sandwiches and project notes for half a minute, she found what she had been looking for.
she laughed, though one could not hear happiness within the tone
she laughed nervously
Of-fucking-course nope. Tell me, Asheworth, who at Ontokinetics designs phones that can be used in literal non-dimensions, yet not in caves from all things to choose from?"
Of-fucking-course not. Tell me, Asheworth, who at Ontokinetics designs phones that can be used in literal non-dimensions but not in fucking caves?"
the man replied, bouncing the fault argument back to her.
Remove. This is obvious from context. |
Jessie said, filling the mostly dark cavern with a blinding light that uncovered a lot of the previously unseen space.
Jessie said, illuminating the previously unseen spaces of the dark cavern with a blinding light.
protecting his still not accustomed eyes by his one hand, with the second quickly looking for his glasses in one of the pockets, only to find more broken glass.
protecting his still sensitive eyes with one outstretched hand. His other dug in his pocket searching for his glasses, only to find more broken glass.
"Yeah, uh, sure," she said as she redirected the beacon of light towards the walls of the cavern, only to find no exist whatsoever; it was rocks all the way down
"Yeah, uh, sure," she said, redirecting the beacon of light towards the walls of the cavern; Instead, she found that the cavern was rocks all the way down with no exit in sight.
Rivera said with a sad tone, sitting down on the stone floor.
Rivera muttered before collapsing onto the stone floor.
his calculative mind tried to find every single way out of here. Though the chance that his coworkers will actually care about him was very slim, the man was not ready to give up hope just yet.
But he knew, deep down, that the chance of his coworkers actually caring about him was very slim. Still, his calculative mind tried to find every single way out; he was not ready to give up hope just yet.
Silence filled their place of imprisonment. Though no one spoke a word, the sound of Asheworth's pen hitting the paper of his notebook could be heard from everywhere within the location, alongside Rivera's footsteps; after ten minutes of looking around though, she gave up and sat down near her work partner.
Silence filled their place of imprisonment with the only sounds being that of Asheworth's pen hitting the paper of his notebook and Rivera's footsteps. After ten minutes of looking around, she gave up and sat down near her work partner.
she said, disappointed that the man won't spill anything of his past.
I think it’s deeper than that. She’s more disappointed that she’s going to die with someone she knows nothing about. That’s how I read her character at least. |
miss fuckhead
This doesn’t align with either character so far |
managed to move all boulders of of the way.
managed to move all boulders out of the way.
As the doctors looked through the tunnel they have uncovered,
As the doctors looked through the tunnel they had uncovered,
finally giving them a feeling of freshness the cave has so deeply lacked
finally giving them a feeling of freshness the cave had so deeply lacked
trying to find something potentially useful around him, only to fail rather miserably.
What does this mean? Is he looking for a digging implement? |
As the light filled the dead-dark corridor, one could clearly see a tunnel, built with a material not looking like anything they have ever seen; the bricks' color felt like it was yellow, blue, orange, and grey all at the same time, whilst not having any color, too.
As the light filled the dead-dark corridor, they could clearly see a tunnel built with a material unlike anything they had ever seen before; the bricks lit up as though they were yellow, blue, orange, grey, and colorless all at the same time.
http://scpdsandbox.wikidot.com/b-e-a-r
Though SCP-XXXX cannot be properly contained, due to its nature, no such procedures are necessary.
Remove this. You follow it up with a whole list of procedures. Procedures are always necessary but sometimes they aren’t known or implemented currently.
Should SCP-XXXX should undergo an activation event, MTF Omega-6 ("Bearly Enough") is to locate and begin monitoring the subject. A GPS tracking device has been implanted in anomaly to track its location.
Should SCP-XXXX enter its activation phase, MTF Omega-6 ("Bearly Enough") is to locate the entity through the GPS tracking device implanted in its posterior and monitor it until the phase ends.
Foundation assets are to observe SCP-XXXX without interference of any manner. Any attempts to disrupt the actions of SCP-XXXX are to be prevented by MTF Omega-6 ("Bearly Enough").
In its 'inactive' state, SCP-XXXX bears no anomalous traits and behaves in the same manner as a standard member of its species.
During its 'inactive' phase, SCP-XXXX bears no anomalous traits and behaves in the same manner as a standard member of its species.
SCP-XXXX's anomalous traits manifest when a historical event of historical or political significance to Poland is ongoing. - SCP-XXXX will spontaneously demanifest from its current place of resting and manifest in a place potentially significant to the current political situation of Poland and will proceed to participate in said event. Though tests have shown SCP-XXXX exhibits no signs of higher intelligence, it is able to speak and coordinate its actions in such a way it benefits the country of Poland.
SCP-XXXX will enter its activation phase, manifesting its anomalous traits, at the inception of an event of historical or political significance to Poland||how does this get measured? How does it know what will be historical or significant?||. In this phase, SCP-XXXX will demanifest from its current location and will manifest in a place of significance to the inciting event, becoming an ongoing active participant. Though testing has found that SCP-XXXX exhibits no signs of higher intelligence on its own, it has been found to be able to speak and coordinate its actions in such a way that benefits the country of Poland. ||what counts as beneficial to Poland?||
Human subjects unaware of the fact that SCP-XXXX is not human and baring a lack of memetic resistance will be unable to perceive it as such; an unaware subject will invariably describe and depict SCP-XXXX as a human of generally uniform appearance. This effect is similarly present in media depicting SCP-XXXX.
Human subjects that are unaware of SCP-XXXX’s true form, or that lack memetic resistance, ||so you either need to know already or have training? Either works?|| will be unable to perceive it as such; the typical subject will invariably perceive and describe SCP-XXXX as a human of generally uniform appearance. This effect is similarly present in all media depicting SCP-XXXX.
Addendums
From gathered historical data it has been deduced that SCP-XXXX was one of the leaders of the Polish army during the Battle of Grunwald.
From gathered historical data, Foundation researchers have deduced that SCP-XXXX acted as a leader of the Polish army during the Battle of Grunwald.
The legion led by SCP-XXXX and an unidentified Lithuanian individual supposedly turned the turn of the battle in favor of the Polish.
The legion led by SCP-XXXX and an unidentified Lithuanian individual supposedly turned the tide of the battle in favor of Polish forces.
SCP-XXXX wrote the "On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres" work, creating the heliocentric theory in the process.
SCP-XXXX wrote the work titled "On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres", creating the heliocentric theory in the process. ||This took from 1463 - 1543?long time to write a book||
SCP-XXXX’s work was branded heresy by the present church, leading to SCP-XXXX nearly being executed; this execution was prevented however when an unidentified German individual intervened, allowing SCP-XXXX to escape.
SCP-XXXX’s work was branded as heresy by the church at the time ||which church? Catholic?||, leading to the near execution of SCP-XXXX; this execution was prevented, however, when an unidentified German individual intervened and allowed SCP-XXXX to escape.
SCP-XXXX was engaging in political actions which resulted in the liberation of Poland.
SCP-XXXX was documented to have engaged in a number of political actions that resulted in the liberation of Poland ||from who?||.
SCP-XXXX was often observed multiple times in the company of its dog, named "Pies”, received from an unknown Russian individual. Such animals did not exhibit aggressive behavior towards SCP-XXXX, as opposed to other members of its species
SCP-XXXX was documented multiple times in the company of a non-anomalous dog named "Pies”. Records show that SCP-XXXX received Pies from an unknown Russian individual ||when?||. ||This last sentence made little sense to me. Does this imply that other dogs and animals are aggressive to the bear in both phases? This is new information that without context was confusing||
Wojtek
This needs a LOT more context. Why was it a well known bear this time with no explanation? |
The platoon SCP-XXXX served in was funded by an unknown, Lithuanian individual; if not for aid funding, the group would have been defeated multiple times in battle.
The platoon SCP-XXXX served in was funded by an unknown individual from Lithuanian; if not for aid funding, the platoon would have been defeated multiple times in battle. ||this is unlike all the others. This time it appeared as a bear and the additional notes have nothing to do with its actions and focus on the Lithuanian instead. This is of no historical or political significance other than an anecdote that it was a bear. This is the inspiration of the article I’m assuming but doesn’t fit at all||
SCP-XXXX lead a revolution against the communist party of Poland, successfully overthrowing it.
SCP-XXXX lead a revolution against the communist party of Poland, successfully overthrowing it ||on what date or how?||.
SCP-XXXX has lost interest in any political participation by 1991. Following SCP-XXXX’s retraction from political affairs, a Foundation operative impersonating Lech Wałęsa was inserted in SCP-XXXX's place; family members and relative documents were similarly fabricated.
In 1991, SCP-XXXX stopped engaging in all forms of political participation. Following SCP-XXXX’s retirement from political affairs, a Foundation operative impersonating Lech Wałęsa was inserted in SCP-XXXX's place; family members and relative documents were similarly fabricated ||why?||.
Dates
All dates map to like lifespans rather than dates of engagement. Am I to believe that the bear took the form of an infant, grew up to be these figures, and just was their figure the whole time? When does it find time to be a bear? And how is this not considered a looping reincarnation of it life’s multiple full lives through death? |
Addendum XXXX-2: On 09.04.2000, the following message was detected within the proximity of SCP-XXXX’s holding cell2 without any apparent source.
How was it detected? Radio waves? Written? Some crazy person on a roof yelling? |
Guardian Bear Status:
one intercepted by unknown individuals
I don’t like these lines. They don’t add anything and make no sense to me. I might be dumb though |
Welcome to the hub for the Team of the Oinks.
If you're on this, it means two things. If you are Pedagon or/and Marcelles_Raynes does not match any existing user name, welcome in the hub for your Review Flight. Below, you will find some rules of thumb and pieces of advice about what I expect to you as my officers. If you are none of these users, I don't know how you find this, but there's no big project here, you will find it elsewhere.
Pieces of advice. - It will serve you well.
- The most important : be excellent to the people you crit. You already know that, it's in the rules, but it's always good to remind that to people. Of course, telling people what you think about their articles can be harsh, but don't forget that there's multiple ways to tell one thing. "I don't think your article can work on the site because I feel that this, this and that make it a disservice" is a good way to tell. "Your article is complete garbage with no redeeming quality on it, it's horrible" is not.
- Don't. Be. An. Elitist. I cannot stress this enough, because for all the time I've spent on site, I've seen many, too many comments made by people who act and talk often in a really condescending way about what is an SCP and what is not an SCP and they say that like if it was an absolute and objective truth. But they're wrong. The truth is that articles on the Wiki can take many forms and can be about everything and everyone, as long as it's well-written. Remember that.
- You are not obligated to provide a big wall of text as a review. If you feel that the idea is not "formed" enough ou if you feel that you don't have much to say, don't force yourself, select just the points that are for you the most important, say it in the review and leave it at that, as long as you tell precisely what works or not in the idea.
- If you see someone in the Ideas Forum who have a thread but who don't have the required template, let Staff handle it. If you leave a critique and the OP respond poorly to that (by "poorly", I mean "they are agressive towards you or something like that"), stay calm and contact a Staff (it can be me, but contact any Staff).
- Me and you two, we are from different timezones and generally, when you're awake, I could be asleep (and the opposite, also). So, if you send me a message on Discord and I don't respond immediately, it's maybe because I'm asleep or busy (but I generally try to respond when I can).
For Pedagon :
Goals required :
- September 15th/September 22nd : 2 idea critiques per day.
- September 22nd/September 31th : 2 idea critiques per day + 3 draft critiques for all the week.
Template of first contact :
Template 1
Hey!
[[*user Pedagon]] here from the Team of the Oinks! I'm here to be your critter!!
[[collapsible show="+ Roses, Thorns, and Buds" hide="- Roses, Thorns, and Buds"]]
##pink|Rose :##
##green|Thorn :##
##brown|Bud :##
[[/collapsible]][[collapsible show="+ Advice of Readings" hide="- Advice of Readings"]]
[[/collapsible]]Welcome to the site! I'm looking forward to hearing back from you! :)
Template 2
Hey!
[[*user Pedagon]] here from the Team of the Oinks! I'm here to be your critter!!
[[collapsible show="+ Roses" hide="- Roses"]]
[[/collapsible]][[collapsible show="+ Thorns " hide="- Thorns"]]
[[/collapsible]]Welcome to the site! I'm looking forward to hearing back from you! :)
Place for linking your crits :
Week 1 Crits
September 15th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13730686/the-perfect-town#post-4775477 <- Really looking forward to where this one goes when they respond :)
September 15th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13729437/disability-reels#post-4775766 <- Super cool narrative with a strange object. Let’s see some growth!September 16th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13736372/the-flower-in-the-field-seeking-greenlights#post-4776352 <- Really cool narrative with some clutter to clean up. They seem to have deleted their account right before I was about to reconnect for greenlight :( super disappointing
September 16th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13736128/scp-5259-first-scp#post-4776361 <- Agree with Marcelles! Has definite potential but needs some growth in narrative and origin.September 17th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13739236/the-corner-of-your-eye#post-4777017 <- Not much here to critique so I will revisit it when the author responds and provides more information.
September 17th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13704357/playing-god-with-a-model-town#post-4777025 <- Love the narrative but the journey to it needs work. Will check back in on it later to see if they explain more.September 18th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13741173/welcome-to-the-in-game-experience#post-4777623 <- Looks like a new author wanting to geek out about video games. Not super confident on it but whatever. Any idea can be a good idea!
September 18th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13739721/seeking-greenlights-scp-xxxx-native-american-spirit#post-4777635 <- Probably not a great critique for a critter but what I think the author needs. Made me consider requesting or putting together a guide on dealing with stereotypes and writing about people respectfully.September 19th: http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13745853/first-scp-idea-seeking-feedback#post-4778578 <- A cliche idea that could make any seasoned SCP reader/writer groan. But could also be done well if the narrative gets fleshed out a bit! The fact that they wrote a draft before greenlight makes me worry but who knows. Maybe this will be the chosen one to do the immortal d-class right and not just rip off confinement.
September 19th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13741490/spontaneous-space-rock#post-4777729 <- SCIENCE! My favourite topic to read about! I think this could be a cool idea but it needs more thought into how they would make this an effective article. Can’t wait to see how they respond to the critiques provided!September 20th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13746700/first-scp-idea-seeking-feedback#post-4779342 <- I really like the concept! I love simple scips! Just needs more in the proposal.
September 20th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13736633/giant-hypnotic-toads#post-4779350 <- alright idea. Needs more writing information before a full critique of the idea can be given accurately.September 21st: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13749438/scp-j#post-4779873 <- extremely underdeveloped -j article with a simple premise. Don’t see much future fore it based on the proposal that was written to be completely honest.
September 21st: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13750187/seeking-greenlight-intwo#post-4779892 <- anomaly is alright. Nothing special but not especially bad either. The intended narrative worries me as well as the described elements of conprocs and d-class testing.
Personal opinion about Week 1 : Well, let me be clear, this is an excellent work you've done here with all your crits! The whole "roses & thorns" gimmick is pretty funny and you take the time to say everything that, for you, work and doesn't work, which is an essential quality for a critter. There would be many other good things to say, but I will summarize them in one sentence : if you continue to do in Week 2 what you made in Week 1, you will surely be an excellent critter and you will use your greenlighting privileges wisely, I'm sure of that. Excellent work!
Place for linking your crits :
Y'know how it works. ^^
September 22nd: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13754171/viral-applications#post-4780476 <- I’m really excited for this one and I honestly think it is worthy of a greenlight already. However, no ideas are perfect right from the beginning so I want to see how they address some of my questions to see if they have a plan for writing their article and to see how they respond to feedback. Chances are that I will be recommending this one for a greenlight tomorrow when they respond.
September 23rd: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13744715/monster-house#post-4779344 <- Monster house has been in development for a few months now and I have been helping the author grow it in an ongoing basis. They are mainly dealing with confidence issues and framing their article in a way that shows what they are actually internally going through. This is going to be an ongoing critique that will hopefully help the author get it out someday.
September 23rd: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13756814/scp-xxxx:the-traveler-seeking-green-lights#post-4781098 <- Simple proposal. Asked for more information and some explanation of how they will be doing what they have proposed effectively.
September 24th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13758084/seeking-greenlight-god-of-the-gaps#post-4781816
September 24th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13751514/pustula-flowers-seeking-greenlight#post-4781834
September 25th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13757282/broken-masquerade-tale-seeking-feedback#post-4782233 <- I'm honestly ready to greenlight this one. They responded to my feedback really well and everything they added sounds like it would fit really well on the wiki
September 25th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13761172/2-revolvers-with-ethics#post-4782295 <- User is trying to start a series of tales with this fist SCP article and the proposal shows that the article is just a means to kick off their tale. I think it's a great idea but they need to treat this article like a standalone piece first.
September 26th: http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13764310/the-quantum-quarter#post-4783024 <- Quantum mechanics and the same effect I used in my first article (although I don’t think I pulled in bias because mine wasn’t very popular). Did alright talking about the science but really lacks in narrative.
September 26th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13763943/seeking-greenlights-regenerating-ice-cream-cone#post-4783030 <- Regenerating ice cream is something I’ve been writing myself. The proposal reads like a series 1 article and needs more discussion around the narrative.
Interesting day with two articles that I have written myself. Was weird giving critique on my own ideas lol
September 27th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13763814/scp-idea:hornet-horror#post-4783667 <- Not very much for a proposal so offered the author some questions to consider and update their proposal. Will check back in tomorrow to see if they have developed!
September 27th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13766652/looking-for-greenlights-on-an-old-idea-of-mine#post-4783679 <- Another bare proposal that I gave some questions to think about. Will check back in tomorrow to see if they have developed!
These last two days have really made me reflect on what kinds of ideas I prefer to critique. I think I prefer giving feedback on the underdeveloped ideas the most and find critique on ideas I am more familiar with to be difficult to avoid my bias in. It’s interesting!
September 28th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13766888/seeking-greenlight-on-this-tale-idea-of-mine#post-4784197 <- Summoned by pm to give this one a look. Still a lot to go on this one but it looks like the author is receptive to feedback!
September 28th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13762234/a-mirror-s-reflection#post-4784211 <- Summoned by pm to give this one a look. Still a lot to go on this one but it looks like the author is receptive to feedback! Today just seems to be the day for these!
September 29th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13770372/the-trench-raider#post-4784955 <- Monster that kills people. Gave some advice for making a better quality proposal so we will see where they take it!
September 29th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13769794/medic#post-4784964 <- A tale about being an MD at the Foundation. LOVE the idea! Not much detail of how it will be executed. Will check in on it later!
September 30th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13774494/quitting-smoke#post-4785905 <- I see a lot of potential in this idea! Could make for a cool article with some development!
September 30th: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13774449/the-label-maker#post-4785912 <- Really empty idea. Gave the author some advice for writing an effective proposal and how to think through an idea fully.
October 1st: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13769086/a-creature-whose-flute-puts-people-s-souls-in-inanimate-obje#post-4786788 <- Really cool idea but needs some work on fleshing it out into something that can tell a story.
October 1st: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13768822/elephant-friend#post-4786790 <- Cute elephant friend seeking advice and suggestions. Asked for more information that could help critters give ideas and brainstorm.
October 1st: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13768142/the-double-decree#post-4786794 <- Cool idea without a dive into how the article will be written. If done thoughtfully this could be a great idea. If done without thought it could be a horrible time for the author.
October 1st: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13776685/looking-for-a-greenlight-on-my-idea-new-scp-author#post-4786791 <- Barely a critique but whatever. Might as well toss it in.
For the final day I took a look at 4 smaller articles to try to help them flesh their ideas out and attract more attention. I love this early stage of an idea and the conversation that flows out!
Draft critique 1: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13768016/echoes-between-now-and-then#post-4784135
Draft critique 2: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13681089/nobody-goi-format:frostbite#post-4784170
Draft critique 3: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13725511/where-s-waldo#post-4784191